I want a heart...

I found this on one of my xanga sites (yes, I had more than one) and wanted to post it here. I had entirely forgotten I'd written this piece but it reflects so much of my heart even today. Though I'm four years older than when I wrote this, the desire it reflects remains in my heart still, if tempered a bit by time and maturity. This was first written on 30 March, 2005, early in my year at the Honor Academy.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I want a heart that is so pure and broken and open that I can cry unashamedly in front of others, not caring what they think of me crying in front of them

I want to cry at beautiful things

like butterflies

sweet proposals

time in God's presence



How amazing he is

How beautiful

God, help me to maintain a pure and broken heart and to live a blameless life before you

That I may live a life pleasing to you

That others may see you through my life

Make me invisible so that I may not be seen, but you in me

Take my desires

Make them yours

Help me not to want things that aren't for me

I know your plans are better

So much better than mine

Take control

I am yours.

change of plans

So back in October, I signed on with Global Expeditions to go to *ahem* the Middle East. After looking forward to this for months, the B trip, which I was planning to go on, had to be cancelled. So I took a few days to pray and think and finally settled on Uganda. The last several weeks have been so busy I've been unable to do any fundraising, but I do need about $4,000 for this trip. In Uganda, Global Expeditions plans to do AIDS/HIV awareness education for part of the time, and for the other part of the trip, they plan to travel to northern Uganda to bring hope to the broken, hurting children who were once part of Joseph Kony's Lord's Resistance Army (LRA). The LRA has held central Africa in its grip of terror for a good twenty years or better and has resorted to "recruiting" children (by kidnapping) for its fighting forces because their souls are thought to be purer than those of adults. Now that the LRA has been driven from Uganda, there are many hearts and lives to be put back together and healed. I have long had a heart for slaves, prostitutes, and child soldiers, so Uganda would seem a natural fit for me.

This past Saturday, I drove 2+ hours (on three hours of sleep, mind you) to Greensboro for the TrueNorth Leadership Seminar. I had the opportunity to be interviewed by my Project Director from my Panama trip in 2004, the trip on which the Lord captured my heart for the nations and the people of this world (and on which I left a piece of my heart in a little village named Santa Clara with the beautiful Panamanian people). Tuesday I received a call asking me if I'd be interested in being a Country Assistant on this summer's Panama B trip! I love Panama dearly and I do desire strongly to return to this land that captivated my heart so long ago.

I write all this to say that I honestly don't know what to do! Either way, I've got fundraising to do, but since my Father can bring all that money in with one fell swoop, I am not particularly concerned about the finances. Being a CA would mean more behind-the-scenes work rather than active ministry, but would be a great opportunity to experience how the trips work. On the other hand, I LOVE being a Missionary Advisor and having the opportunity to disciple the missionaries in my care. I also love playing with the kids wherever I go. :) My heart does, of course, long to return to Panama-but I have long desired to go to Uganda as well. I am confident that the Lord orders my steps and I pray He will guide me in making a decision here-if what He wants for me is to be an MA in Uganda, that's where I'll be. If what he wants is for me to be a CA in Panama, I shall be picking up some molas and Kuna bracelets this summer. :)

If you would, please pray for me as I attempt to make this decision (it is always difficult for me to make decisions when I want both options so badly!). I want nothing less than God's best for me, wherever and whatever that may be.

In Him,

Bethany

a penny for my thoughts? [recap]

This was originally posted on 5 December, 2006. It was the end of my first semester of college, nearing the first anniversary of my graduation from the Honor Academy, and less than two weeks till I travelled to Slidell, Louisiana to stay with this one and see this one and this one get married. :) Having had a rather rough year this school year, I have been looking back through my old journals and blogs, and finding...hope. Though much has changed in the intervening time, I find hope for the present, hope for the future, and hope in the knowledge that whatever happens, my Father has my best interests at heart. Much of what is written in this post still reflects what I feel and believe and yes, even hope for, now, nearly two-and-a-half years later.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

So this is long (not that that's unusual...) but...it's some of what I've been contemplating for the last couple of months, especially now that I'm almost a year out of HA...a lot has been going on inside. Read it and be blessed.



some days I want to run away and be a gypsy

never settled in one place, but traveling

place to place to place

meeting people and seeing things few others have seen

just loving people and Jesus



some days I never want to leave

to stay in comfortability and safety

never stepping out on my own because the world

can be just so scary



some days I want to get married tomorrow

and have a whole passel of children

other days I never want to get married

or ever have children

but I know it's in God's hands, because I put it there myself



some days I wonder if things will ever change

if they'll ever be different

I wonder where my life is going

what is going to happen in ten years, twenty or thirty

other days I just don't care at all, because I know

whatever happens, my life belongs to the Lord



sometimes I think about ESOAL

about that weekend that broke me so hard

I remember the pain, the exhaustion

the lies to fight through

I remember

when I was called out to sing "the HA hymn"

just an hour or two before I rang out

"take my life, and let it be,

consecrated Lord, to thee."

I was told later

it sounded like an angel singing,

sweet and beautiful

that blessed my heart,

that this girl remembered that, ten months later, how it stood out to her

I remember the things the Lord taught me that weekend

about controlling my emotions, rather than them controlling me

and how this life

is not about me



I remember quiet times on the picnic table

under that beautiful old oak tree

or sitting by the fountain

the worship that we had

how wonderful it was to worship with people

who loved God as much as I do

how wonderful it was to converse with them

every time you ate in the caf

you could sit with someone you barely knew

and have the most amazing conversation of your life,

so edifying and encouraging

I miss that



I remember the friends who left

for various reasons

how it hurt to see them go, how I cried

and I remember the friends that stayed

and fought through with me

the people that spoke into my life

the way people just loved one another

and respected one another

the way brothers honored their sisters

and sisters respected their brothers

and the beautiful relationships that some of them are in now

so many weddings coming up, or recently had

so many beautiful people

brought together by God

those romances which are written by God

are by far the most beautiful

they are pure and holy and good

a reflection of the relationship God wants with us

that's what I want

that's what I'm waiting for

and I refuse to settle for anything less than extraordinary

in any area of my life

because it belongs to God



He taught me about consecration

it's one of the abiding themes of my life

consecration: to declare or set apart as holy

my favorite psalm is psalm 15

I think it speaks of the kind of life

a Jesus-lover should have

He taught me about love

what it means to love people regardless of their actions

how to see people the way he sees them

He's still teaching me about these



sometimes He gives me a revelation

of His holiness

it's indescribable, but know this, friends:

the Lord is holy

angels cover their faces and dance around his throne

and all they say is

"holy, holy, holy is the Lord,

who was, and is, and is to come"

I don't think the church today really realizes

just how holy He is, or

what this holiness is

or even who He is

God, the Uncreated One

I know what He's shown me is barely scratching the surface

and it blows my mind

every single time

He is holy

and if we are to be like Him,

we, too, must be holy

the Bible has a lot to say about holiness

look it up, there's so much to learn!

my desire to live a holy life, pleasing to God

is behind a lot of the lifestyle decisions I've made

I want every single aspect of my life

to reflect Him and bring glory to His name



every once in a while,

the desire to see nations reached

gets stirred up inside of me

and I get excited to see where He will lead me

next summer and in the future

I anticipate the visiting of many, many nations

from India, Nepal, Bhutan, and China

to Botswana, Zambia, Rwanda and Egypt

to Honduras, Belize, Chili and Peru

to Germany, Russia, Slovakia, and Lithuania

anywhere the Lord may lead me

I am willing to go

because my life is not my own

it belongs to Him



so much is going on inside

so many thoughts racing around unbridled

so many hopes and wishes and dreams and desires

all getting stirred up inside

like when you drop ice cream in a glass of root beer and stir it up

it gets all frothy and foamy and sometimes spills over

whatever is going on, it's good

so good, so beautiful

I'm excited



some days I wish God would show me exactly what my life will look like,

but then I realize that it's the journey to get there that's the good part

and besides,

if I knew everything that was going to happen,

there would be no reason to trust the Lord

trust

that's another thing He taught me last year

another thing still to learn

trust, and obedience, and waiting on the Lord

and it's learning that trust, and obedience, and waiting

that makes this relationship with Him sooo good

I fully believe God has my best interests at heart

and that He knows exactly what He's doing

in every relationship with every person I know

and in every aspect of my life

and I trust Him with that

because He sure as heck knows more than I do!

I like not knowing what will happen

because it lets me anticipate what God is going to do

and it raises my expectations

the Lord is good to my soul

and I love him so much



My dear friend Bridget marries her Aaron a week from Saturday

I'll be there to see it

and I'm excited about it

their romance is beautiful, and holy, and good

and it makes me excited for my own someday-romance

they have allowed God to write their love story

and boy, is it good!

I have rarely seen a couple so well-matched

it is truly a "match made in heaven"

I fully believe the Lord made them each

with the other in mind



the Lord is teaching me new things

and doing exciting things in my life

this little heart of mine is full to overflowing

with the love and grace and blessings

of a beloved Savior

He blesses my heart

and He wants to bless your heart too, friends

so let Him

He will grant you peace

and love you so completely

the Lord is faithful

even when I am not

for that, I am grateful

what if He was only as faithful to us

as we are to Him?

I don't know about you, but to me that's a scary thought

I'm so glad He's not



Seek the Lord today, friends. There is so much He wants to show us and share with us. We only have to let Him.

best. video. EVAR!

Thanks to Dave Hasz, my week has been made. He posted this video of the ATF call center doing a fabulously entertaining dance. Makes me miss Texas.

looking back

Five years ago, in my final year of high school, my family awoke
to an early-morning phone call, the kind that only carries bad news.

Aunt Melissa was gone.

Her body had been destroyed by cancer and chemotherapy, and the weekend before she died, we had a family gathering at her house, where she lay on a hospice bed in the living room, sleeping because of the heavy dose of morphine in her system. She awoke for a few brief moments that afternoon as we ate Chinese food (we had always gathered at a certain Chinese restaurant in Asheboro for birthday celebrations because it was about halfway between us and the rest of the family). She couldn't speak much but upon seeing my new, super-short "pixie cut" hairstyle, she managed to give me one of her famous "looks"-this one saying, "What on EARTH did you do to your hair!?" That was the last time I ever saw her. A few days later, she was gone.

That week was a very cold, rainy week. My sisters, mom & I all wore purple blouses to her funeral to honor her (her favorite color was purple), and wore little purple flowers on our lapels. Fortunately, I was not sick that week like I am right now! Nine hundred or so people showed up to her wake, some waiting two hours or more to pay their respects, and five or six hundred attended her funeral. She was a National Board-Certified teacher, and well-loved and respected by both her students and her colleagues. After the funeral was over, my aunt and uncle (the uncle being Melissa's and my mom's only brother) set to work pulling flowers out of the dozens of flower arrangements so that they might be rearranged in vases and delivered to local nursing homes-just the sort of thing that Melissa would have wanted. The food that was arranged
for my family was quite delicious. There was such a wonderful outpouring of love and generosity from so many people, it was just lovely. I am so grateful for the love that was shown my family in that difficult time. I hope that in the future, I may be able to do the same for others.

My mom, her brother and her other sister recorded "How Great Thou Art" for her funeral. It is one of my family's favorite hymns because my grandfather (their dad) used to sing it gloriously well. It is one of my favorite hymns as well.

Oh Lord, my God
When I, in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds Thy hands have made
I see the stars
I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power throughout the universe displayed

Then sings my soul, my Saviour, God, to Thee
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!
Then sings my soul, my Saviour, God, to Thee
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhvaDJTUmrU

Compassion makes the heart expand

A couple of weeks ago I received a letter from my new sponsored child (through Compassion International), a beautiful young woman named Allen who lives in southern Uganda. She wrote that she wished to visit America so she could see "my place," that she was thankful I had chosen to sponsor her, and wrote of her family and favorite things (her favorite food is fish). Her favorite Bible verse is Hosea 6:1, which says, "Come and let us return to the Lord, for He has torn so that He may heal us; He has stricken so that He may bind us up," (Amplified). When I got to the very bottom of the page, I stopped and stared, and began to cry. It was then that I knew the Lord had specifically directed me to this young woman. For what purpose, I do not yet know, but it was clear the Lord had done something special. Why was this part of the page so important? Because it is where she had written her dream for the future.

Her dream is to be a nurse. Just like me.

Praise You, Father.

[[Revelation Song]]
Worthy is the
Lamb Who was slain,
Holy, holy is He.
Sing a new song
To Him who sits on
Heaven's mercy seat

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God almighty,
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore you!

Clothed in rainbows
Of living color;
Flashes of lightning
Rolls of thunder...
Blessing and honor, strength and
Glory and power be
To you the only one King!

Filled with wonder,
Awestruck wonder
At the mention of your name!
Jesus, Your name is power,
Breath and living water!
Such a marvelous mystery!

Hello, Mr. President

We have a new president now. George W. Bush, after 8 years of working what is arguably the toughest job in the nation, and perhaps even the world, has passed the torch to Mr. Barack Obama. As I despise all the commentary surrounding such events, the only coverage I watched (on the Internet rather than the television as I do not have cable) was the beautiful "Air and Small Gifts" composition by a diverse and talented quartet, the swearing-in, and the speech. The speech was very well-crafted, and I hope he can live up to at least some of its promises.

I also hope, that as the "honeymoon" phase ends and the weeks wear into months and we struggle to turn the Titanic of this nation around and head in a better direction, that all those who've placed such hope in him will not be disillusioned. I hope they will remember that he is just a man; like any other, he is subject to shortcomings and human failings, and he will make mistakes-it just comes with the territory of humanity. I do hope that Mr. Obama is able to enact change, that our economy stops its downward slide and starts back in an upward direction, that we are able to bring peace and stability to the Middle East and bring our brave service men & women home, that reforms are made to such ailing giants as healthcare, education, and social service programs. I hope these changes can be made without conceding too much power to the government and without socializing or nationalizing too many programs-especially with healthcare, which is generally even more inefficient and bureaucratic when a government is placed in charge-just take a look at Britain. I hope that we do not have to concede our rights in the name of "progress" and "change."

I hope that people will remember that true change takes time. When civil rights began to be fought for in the early 1950's, most marches and protests were localized, unique events that didn't get much coverage. With the advent of television, the message was able to spread more quickly. But it was not until 1968 that the final anti-discrimination legislation was passed (the Fair Housing Act), and that only after two years sitting in Congress and the death of a certain prominent minister who'd always advocated peaceful change-the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. This was also more than one hundred years after the official demise of slavery. I hope everyone will remember that and not grow impatient with Obama when change does not happen RIGHTNOW as they wish it would. When that happened in the 60's, with the growth of Black Power, the militant Black Panthers and even the numerous urban riots, it damaged the appearance of the civil rights movement-so I hope that those most desirous of change will remember that peaceful activism, though perhaps a bit slower than we'd like, is always most effective in the long run.

I don't know if any of those early civil rights activists, whom I admire for their faith and courage, would ever have thought the day would come that a black man (even half-black) could be president. I know I didn't expect to see it until I was much older, because I felt the United States was still too strongly biased to accept such a man as Commander-in-Chief. For a woman, it's even harder, especially if she has children (yet no-one has said a word about any man's abilities in government if he has children...). But that day has come. A line has been crossed, the bar has been raised, and I hope it inspires more minorities to strive for bigger and better things-because they are fully capable of achieving such things.

Congratulations, Mr. Obama. You have made history today. I hope you are able to keep most of the promises you've made and do not find yourself terribly stymied or limited by those in positions of power who seek only to improve themselves. I hope your tenure as President of the United States inspires others to dream big, to reach above the government "handouts," and make something of themselves-and especially, to ease the suffering of humanity the world over instead of focusing on themselves and what they can accomplish for their own gains.

"What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility - a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task."

This quote, from Mr. Obama's inauguration speech, speaks volumes to me about what we, as Christians, should be aiming to do. Bringing the Gospel to all the unreached will not be an easy task-and we were never promised it would be. But if we will willingly give our all to this undoubtedly difficult task, what does that say about our character?

Mr. Obama, I hope the Lord meets you right where you are, and that He grants you wisdom in leading this flawed but great nation of ours.

Bethany

Having Compassion

For about a year and a half, I have sponsored a child through Compassion International. Her name is Scarle, she is six-and-a-half years old, and she lives in Peru. According to the info on my sponsor account, the average monthly income in her community is about $96. Lately the Lord has been challenging me to expand my faith and take on a second sponsorship (something I've wanted to do for a while but have been afraid to do because of my extremely unpredictable income). Last night I took the plunge.

I wanted an older child who'd been waiting for a long time for a sponsor, so I did a search. Only about half-a-dozen faces popped up, and one in particular drew me. She was the only young woman who showed up in the search. Her name is Allen, she is seventeen and lives in Uganda. She is in about seventh grade (when I was seventeen, I was in the middle of a challenging high school curriculum!) and the average monthly income in her area is $3. Yes, I said three dollars a month. That's less than I pay for a Starbucks cup of coffee, which only lasts about half an hour if you drink it slowly! All I could think was how incredibly privileged we are here in the United States, that we'd spend more on a single drink than some people make in a month. Incredible! I can only imagine how far my measly $32 per month will go in Uganda. From what I could tell, Allen has been waiting since at least last December for a sponsor, and I am glad to be able to meet her need. I just wish I could see her face when they tell her she's been sponsored.

election time

Elections are tomorrow. Many people are voting, many especially who have never done so before. In a day or two, we'll have a good idea of who will be our next president (though I understand there has to be some wait to know for sure, something about the electoral college). And we may have made the gravest mistake we could possibly have made.

I have held back for some time on discussing my concerns about this election, because I believe in examining evidence (NOT rhetoric) and coming to a conclusion based on those observations. And while my observations may not lead me to be excited about the candidate I am voting for, they do lead me to have deep concerns about the candidate I will NOT be voting for.
This candidate, for whom I am not voting, has incredible charisma, the likes of which have not been seen perhaps in decades. He speaks words of hope and change, all the while failing to openly disclose just what "change" he intends to make.

This candidate has caused an unease in my spirit for months, since long before it was decided who would be the actual candidates for the parties. This candidate's meteoric rise to political stardom is stunning, and disconcerting. This candidate would, I believe, create hardships for Christianity not yet seen in America. Perhaps the prayers of the Chinese church will soon come true-perhaps we will soon be facing strong persecution, and perhaps the church will begin to pray and fast and return to her first love. Why do I say he would create hardships for Christianity? Well, Christianity and Biblically-based beliefs oppose much of what he stands for, and even much of the far-left agenda. I have already seen his supporters attacking those who oppose him, and have seen many good people appear to have "the wool pulled over their eyes" regarding this candidate. His rise to prominence is unprecedented...and that, too has me concerned.

Father, I pray you'd hear my words and the words of so many of my brothers & sisters in You. I pray You'd move on the hearts of the people of this country to vote for the candidate who will allow Your work to continue unhindered, that we may continue to spread the Gospel over this earth. Please place Your hand upon this election, please move the hearts of Your people, please uncover their eyes that they be not deceived! And more than anything else, Father, I pray You would have mercy upon this nation...for what I fear we are about to do.

Reflections on a year gone by...

I'm 23 today! Yay! Yikes! Yay!

It has been quite a year, with many changes, both good and bad. I was Initiated into my [women's] fraternity. My sister moved back to Tennessee and then back to North Carolina a few months later. I experienced joys and frustrations, happiness and sorrows, love and extreme dislike, and most everything in between. I never got to go to Texas as a 22-year-old, the first year since I was 18 that has happened. I made some friends and said goodbye to others, found myself (mostly unexpectedly) in leadership roles, was prophesied over and prayed over, watched friends marry or give birth (mostly from a distance), prayed for my someday beloved and learned more about the One who calls me Beloved. So, now that this crazy-hectic-never-to-be-repeated year has ended, where does birthday number 23 find me?

Here, for now. A few weeks ago I applied for a Global Expeditions trip and two Saturdays ago, I was accepted to go-to Azerbaijan. I wasn't sure it would be able to happen, but since that day, the Lord has been working on me, as I've spent more time with Him, awakening within me things that have long lain dormant-wishes, desires, dreams, and hopes, but most of all, and more importantly, Love.

When I was at the Honor Academy, and after I graduated, one of my most frequent prayers was, "Lord, break my heart for the things that break Yours. I want to see people as You see them, not as I see them, I want to feel for them what You feel for them, and I want to love them as You love them." The Lord taught me a great deal about brokenness in that year, and grew within me a deep, abiding love for the nations-all nations-and the people within them.

It's been a long time since I prayed that prayer. I wish that weren't true, but it is, and my heart has been toughened & hardened since I stopped praying it. I'm not even sure how long it's been since I stopped praying that prayer-months, perhaps a year or more. But in recent days, the breaking has begun anew. Little cracks in the wall, the dam that my heart has somehow become, and I know that soon the cracks will become bigger cracks, and bigger ones, and finally break the whole thing down if I allow Him to do it-and I want Him to. The deeper His love within me for people and for the nations, the straighter I'm able to keep my priorities. Otherwise, other stuff creeps in-stuff I'd like to have, and stuff I want-because I forget ever-so-quickly that this life is not about me.

Back in December, after a night of great presence of the Lord in our church, I was prophesied over, and this is what was spoken: "The nations are to become your priority. No longer are relationships to be your main priority, but the nations, and what I am calling you to." That thought has been within me, growing roots and taking hold, because I would be content to remain here in the States for years doing one thing after another, before I'd do what I know I am called to. But souls hang in the balance, and they are too important, too precious, too beloved for me to ignore the calling on my life. Yes, it means I'll have to make sacrifices, and yes, it means I don't get to do all I want, have all I want, gain the recognition I'd like to have for my achievements. Yes, it's going to hurt to give some of those wants up. But people's lives are too important for me to care the most about me.

As I face the growing possibility of a transfer to another school, the possibility of going to nursing school within the year, the possibility of being on the mission field (part-time or full-time) within as few as five years (after gaining nursing experience in the States first), the possibility of paying off my student loan debt (and hopefully not gaining any more), my heart steps slowly out of the timidity to which it is accustomed and begins to step into this new season. It's been a long time since I've had to trust the Lord this fully. But as He's spoken to me several times the last week or so-and will likely speak to me again-"You only see all that you are giving up, but I see all you have to gain."

It's time to stop thinking logically and start thinking faithfully. And I want to do that, in ever greater measure, because it is required for the life God has in store for me-if I obey him and follow His leading. My dad started my birthday off by having us take Communion at midnight-a very auspicious beginning to a new phase of life-the phase where I begin to move into my calling. To close, I want leave you with what my dad emailed me-right after midnight on this, my 23rd birthday-with only a tiny part cut out because I'm not authorized to share it with the world yet. :)

"My Dear Sweet Bethany!

"I want to take this time to wish you a very, very Happy Birthday! Your 22nd year was full of adventure and interesting developments. May your 23rd year be the very best you've ever had. May you find joy, peace, contentment, and lot's of fun as you enjoy life, friends, family, and the world around you. I bless you, in the name of Jesus of Nazareth. May you be blessed in your walk with God, your friends, your family. May you find strength and joy in His presence. May you increase in your knowledge of Him, may the joy of knowing Him increase in you. May you be blessed in all you do.

"We love you,

"Mom & Dad

"(This of course, is from Dad.)"


Blessings,
Bethany

P.S. I'm looking forward to Azerbaijan next summer! ;-)