I miss blogging

I want to start blogging again. I know I've said that before, but it's true. I really, really miss the days when my friends & I would blog about our lives, and comment on one another's lives. It really felt like we had our own little community of friendship, and it helped me to feel closer to those I hold dear who live so very far away.

I have been thinking of adopting this blogger name [consecratedworship] for a very long time-probably from the time I first signed up for blogger under missionarygrrl. I still love that name, but I'm not really a girl anymore, and the name consecratedworship, which I first coined when an intern at the Honor Academy, really is much more indicative of the way I desire to live my life. Of course, I started missionarygrrl after a couple of years on Xanga [which I still keep up with], so this is probably about the twelfth blog I've started. Let's hope I don't have to keep starting them!

Last night I did not go to sleep. I wasn't really sleepy, then around 3:30 AM I had a sudden burst of inspiration to clean my room. These bursts come rarely, so I acted on it and now I have discovered there is actually carpet under the piles of books, papers, clothes, and various random assorted junk that previously covered the entire floor and part of my bed. Now it only covers most of the floor, and very little of my bed.

I want to get back into my artwork. I miss drawing, painting, sewing, making jewelry, piecing together mosaics out of scraps of colored paper, and all the other million things I have tried my hand at in the past. Sometimes I feel like if I don't do something creative, I'll just burst! And that would be bad. And messy. So to keep from bursting and making a huge mess, I shall simply have to delve back into creativity. Writing is one outlet for creativity, yes, but it is certainly not the only one, and not my favorite either. My favorite activity is whatever one makes the biggest mess. Writing does not make that much of a mess, unfortunately. Unless the keyboard exploded, in which case it probably would make a mess. But I digress. My sleep deprivation is peeking through here.

I am going to Panama in less than a month. In the last three weeks and one day, starting the day my dear friend Sarah passed away, the Lord has brought in about $1500 for my trip-I need only $600 more dollars, plus money to get to Texas and back, and some for spending money. It has been incredible and awesome to see how the Lord has brought in nearly all that I need in the midst of such a crazy, difficult time-made much better, of course, by the birth of my nephew, Ike, last Sunday. Though if you do not like his name, I shall tell you he otherwise was to be named Nebuchadnezzar Mephibosheth Bartholomew. So if you don't like it, tough. :)

Ok I am done and I need sleeeeeeepppppp!!!!

PS Less than one month till Tejas & Panamaaaaa!!!!!!

ETA: I just imported all the posts from my missionarygrrl page, all the way back to 2006!

PPS I also am very excited to have discovered how the feed reader works... ;)

Going to Panama as a country assistant!

Dear friends and family,

I hope this letter finds you well and full of joy in the Lord. I have been keeping busy with coursework in college, where I am a junior liberal studies major focusing on psychology and biology. Five years ago, in 2004, I had the opportunity to travel to Panama, in Central America, with Global Expeditions, a division of Teen Mania Ministries. In 2006, I again traveled with Global Expeditions, this time to Matamoros, Mexico. The Lord did a great deal in the hearts and lives of the nationals and missionaries alike on these trips, and on both trips I was able to be a missionary advisor, discipling a small group of younger missionaries throughout the trip.

This summer, I have the opportunity to return to Panama with Global Expeditions, this time in the leadership position of country assistant. As a country assistant, I will be working behind the scenes to assist the project directors (the ones running the entire trip) with anything that needs doing, whether it be making photocopies, running errands, or picking up food at a grocery store in-country. I think this trip will provide valuable training for my future missions endeavors, and I hope to have many opportunities to speak into the lives of the missionaries and the nationals alike. The support of country assistants is vital to ensure a trip runs smoothly. In Panama, Global Expeditions will be traveling into the Darien Jungle and to the San Blas Islands to minister to the Kuna Indians. The Kunas are known for their friendly nature and beautiful handicrafts, but many of them are engaged in idol worship and do not know the living God.

I hope to be leaving in early July to spend a week or so volunteering at Teen Mania Ministries’ headquarters in Garden Valley, Texas before my trip begins on July 12^th. After a couple of days of training, we will head out to minister for several weeks before returning to Texas for debriefing, and finishing on August 6^th. I anticipate that this will be an incredible summer in which many lives will be touched by the hand of our God and irrevocably changed. To accomplish this task, I am asking for your support. The trip will cost approximately $2500 for housing, airfare, food, and travel to Texas. Will you help send me to Panama?

Any support you can give will be greatly appreciated. I will be working hard over the next few weeks to fundraise, but if you are willing and able to help send me to Panama, you can make a donation online or by check. To donate by check, make checks payable to Teen Mania Ministries, and send it along with my name and ID number on a separate slip of paper to: Global Expeditions, P.O. Box 2000, Garden Valley, TX 75771-2000. Please do not put my name directly on the check (for tax deduction purposes). To donate online, log onto www.globalexpeditions.com and click on “Support a Missionary” at the top right corner. Search for me by name or by ID number.

If you have any questions for me, please feel free to contact me at support.bethany@hotmail.com. You can also reach a Global Expeditions Specialist at 866.953.LEAD. Thank you so much for your time, consideration, and prayers. You are greatly appreciated.

May the Lord bless and keep you,

Bethany

change of plans

So back in October, I signed on with Global Expeditions to go to *ahem* the Middle East. After looking forward to this for months, the B trip, which I was planning to go on, had to be cancelled. So I took a few days to pray and think and finally settled on Uganda. The last several weeks have been so busy I've been unable to do any fundraising, but I do need about $4,000 for this trip. In Uganda, Global Expeditions plans to do AIDS/HIV awareness education for part of the time, and for the other part of the trip, they plan to travel to northern Uganda to bring hope to the broken, hurting children who were once part of Joseph Kony's Lord's Resistance Army (LRA). The LRA has held central Africa in its grip of terror for a good twenty years or better and has resorted to "recruiting" children (by kidnapping) for its fighting forces because their souls are thought to be purer than those of adults. Now that the LRA has been driven from Uganda, there are many hearts and lives to be put back together and healed. I have long had a heart for slaves, prostitutes, and child soldiers, so Uganda would seem a natural fit for me.

This past Saturday, I drove 2+ hours (on three hours of sleep, mind you) to Greensboro for the TrueNorth Leadership Seminar. I had the opportunity to be interviewed by my Project Director from my Panama trip in 2004, the trip on which the Lord captured my heart for the nations and the people of this world (and on which I left a piece of my heart in a little village named Santa Clara with the beautiful Panamanian people). Tuesday I received a call asking me if I'd be interested in being a Country Assistant on this summer's Panama B trip! I love Panama dearly and I do desire strongly to return to this land that captivated my heart so long ago.

I write all this to say that I honestly don't know what to do! Either way, I've got fundraising to do, but since my Father can bring all that money in with one fell swoop, I am not particularly concerned about the finances. Being a CA would mean more behind-the-scenes work rather than active ministry, but would be a great opportunity to experience how the trips work. On the other hand, I LOVE being a Missionary Advisor and having the opportunity to disciple the missionaries in my care. I also love playing with the kids wherever I go. :) My heart does, of course, long to return to Panama-but I have long desired to go to Uganda as well. I am confident that the Lord orders my steps and I pray He will guide me in making a decision here-if what He wants for me is to be an MA in Uganda, that's where I'll be. If what he wants is for me to be a CA in Panama, I shall be picking up some molas and Kuna bracelets this summer. :)

If you would, please pray for me as I attempt to make this decision (it is always difficult for me to make decisions when I want both options so badly!). I want nothing less than God's best for me, wherever and whatever that may be.

In Him,

Bethany

a penny for my thoughts? [recap]

This was originally posted on 5 December, 2006. It was the end of my first semester of college, nearing the first anniversary of my graduation from the Honor Academy, and less than two weeks till I travelled to Slidell, Louisiana to stay with this one and see this one and this one get married. :) Having had a rather rough year this school year, I have been looking back through my old journals and blogs, and finding...hope. Though much has changed in the intervening time, I find hope for the present, hope for the future, and hope in the knowledge that whatever happens, my Father has my best interests at heart. Much of what is written in this post still reflects what I feel and believe and yes, even hope for, now, nearly two-and-a-half years later.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

So this is long (not that that's unusual...) but...it's some of what I've been contemplating for the last couple of months, especially now that I'm almost a year out of HA...a lot has been going on inside. Read it and be blessed.



some days I want to run away and be a gypsy

never settled in one place, but traveling

place to place to place

meeting people and seeing things few others have seen

just loving people and Jesus



some days I never want to leave

to stay in comfortability and safety

never stepping out on my own because the world

can be just so scary



some days I want to get married tomorrow

and have a whole passel of children

other days I never want to get married

or ever have children

but I know it's in God's hands, because I put it there myself



some days I wonder if things will ever change

if they'll ever be different

I wonder where my life is going

what is going to happen in ten years, twenty or thirty

other days I just don't care at all, because I know

whatever happens, my life belongs to the Lord



sometimes I think about ESOAL

about that weekend that broke me so hard

I remember the pain, the exhaustion

the lies to fight through

I remember

when I was called out to sing "the HA hymn"

just an hour or two before I rang out

"take my life, and let it be,

consecrated Lord, to thee."

I was told later

it sounded like an angel singing,

sweet and beautiful

that blessed my heart,

that this girl remembered that, ten months later, how it stood out to her

I remember the things the Lord taught me that weekend

about controlling my emotions, rather than them controlling me

and how this life

is not about me



I remember quiet times on the picnic table

under that beautiful old oak tree

or sitting by the fountain

the worship that we had

how wonderful it was to worship with people

who loved God as much as I do

how wonderful it was to converse with them

every time you ate in the caf

you could sit with someone you barely knew

and have the most amazing conversation of your life,

so edifying and encouraging

I miss that



I remember the friends who left

for various reasons

how it hurt to see them go, how I cried

and I remember the friends that stayed

and fought through with me

the people that spoke into my life

the way people just loved one another

and respected one another

the way brothers honored their sisters

and sisters respected their brothers

and the beautiful relationships that some of them are in now

so many weddings coming up, or recently had

so many beautiful people

brought together by God

those romances which are written by God

are by far the most beautiful

they are pure and holy and good

a reflection of the relationship God wants with us

that's what I want

that's what I'm waiting for

and I refuse to settle for anything less than extraordinary

in any area of my life

because it belongs to God



He taught me about consecration

it's one of the abiding themes of my life

consecration: to declare or set apart as holy

my favorite psalm is psalm 15

I think it speaks of the kind of life

a Jesus-lover should have

He taught me about love

what it means to love people regardless of their actions

how to see people the way he sees them

He's still teaching me about these



sometimes He gives me a revelation

of His holiness

it's indescribable, but know this, friends:

the Lord is holy

angels cover their faces and dance around his throne

and all they say is

"holy, holy, holy is the Lord,

who was, and is, and is to come"

I don't think the church today really realizes

just how holy He is, or

what this holiness is

or even who He is

God, the Uncreated One

I know what He's shown me is barely scratching the surface

and it blows my mind

every single time

He is holy

and if we are to be like Him,

we, too, must be holy

the Bible has a lot to say about holiness

look it up, there's so much to learn!

my desire to live a holy life, pleasing to God

is behind a lot of the lifestyle decisions I've made

I want every single aspect of my life

to reflect Him and bring glory to His name



every once in a while,

the desire to see nations reached

gets stirred up inside of me

and I get excited to see where He will lead me

next summer and in the future

I anticipate the visiting of many, many nations

from India, Nepal, Bhutan, and China

to Botswana, Zambia, Rwanda and Egypt

to Honduras, Belize, Chili and Peru

to Germany, Russia, Slovakia, and Lithuania

anywhere the Lord may lead me

I am willing to go

because my life is not my own

it belongs to Him



so much is going on inside

so many thoughts racing around unbridled

so many hopes and wishes and dreams and desires

all getting stirred up inside

like when you drop ice cream in a glass of root beer and stir it up

it gets all frothy and foamy and sometimes spills over

whatever is going on, it's good

so good, so beautiful

I'm excited



some days I wish God would show me exactly what my life will look like,

but then I realize that it's the journey to get there that's the good part

and besides,

if I knew everything that was going to happen,

there would be no reason to trust the Lord

trust

that's another thing He taught me last year

another thing still to learn

trust, and obedience, and waiting on the Lord

and it's learning that trust, and obedience, and waiting

that makes this relationship with Him sooo good

I fully believe God has my best interests at heart

and that He knows exactly what He's doing

in every relationship with every person I know

and in every aspect of my life

and I trust Him with that

because He sure as heck knows more than I do!

I like not knowing what will happen

because it lets me anticipate what God is going to do

and it raises my expectations

the Lord is good to my soul

and I love him so much



My dear friend Bridget marries her Aaron a week from Saturday

I'll be there to see it

and I'm excited about it

their romance is beautiful, and holy, and good

and it makes me excited for my own someday-romance

they have allowed God to write their love story

and boy, is it good!

I have rarely seen a couple so well-matched

it is truly a "match made in heaven"

I fully believe the Lord made them each

with the other in mind



the Lord is teaching me new things

and doing exciting things in my life

this little heart of mine is full to overflowing

with the love and grace and blessings

of a beloved Savior

He blesses my heart

and He wants to bless your heart too, friends

so let Him

He will grant you peace

and love you so completely

the Lord is faithful

even when I am not

for that, I am grateful

what if He was only as faithful to us

as we are to Him?

I don't know about you, but to me that's a scary thought

I'm so glad He's not



Seek the Lord today, friends. There is so much He wants to show us and share with us. We only have to let Him.

Reflections on a year gone by...

I'm 23 today! Yay! Yikes! Yay!

It has been quite a year, with many changes, both good and bad. I was Initiated into my [women's] fraternity. My sister moved back to Tennessee and then back to North Carolina a few months later. I experienced joys and frustrations, happiness and sorrows, love and extreme dislike, and most everything in between. I never got to go to Texas as a 22-year-old, the first year since I was 18 that has happened. I made some friends and said goodbye to others, found myself (mostly unexpectedly) in leadership roles, was prophesied over and prayed over, watched friends marry or give birth (mostly from a distance), prayed for my someday beloved and learned more about the One who calls me Beloved. So, now that this crazy-hectic-never-to-be-repeated year has ended, where does birthday number 23 find me?

Here, for now. A few weeks ago I applied for a Global Expeditions trip and two Saturdays ago, I was accepted to go-to Azerbaijan. I wasn't sure it would be able to happen, but since that day, the Lord has been working on me, as I've spent more time with Him, awakening within me things that have long lain dormant-wishes, desires, dreams, and hopes, but most of all, and more importantly, Love.

When I was at the Honor Academy, and after I graduated, one of my most frequent prayers was, "Lord, break my heart for the things that break Yours. I want to see people as You see them, not as I see them, I want to feel for them what You feel for them, and I want to love them as You love them." The Lord taught me a great deal about brokenness in that year, and grew within me a deep, abiding love for the nations-all nations-and the people within them.

It's been a long time since I prayed that prayer. I wish that weren't true, but it is, and my heart has been toughened & hardened since I stopped praying it. I'm not even sure how long it's been since I stopped praying that prayer-months, perhaps a year or more. But in recent days, the breaking has begun anew. Little cracks in the wall, the dam that my heart has somehow become, and I know that soon the cracks will become bigger cracks, and bigger ones, and finally break the whole thing down if I allow Him to do it-and I want Him to. The deeper His love within me for people and for the nations, the straighter I'm able to keep my priorities. Otherwise, other stuff creeps in-stuff I'd like to have, and stuff I want-because I forget ever-so-quickly that this life is not about me.

Back in December, after a night of great presence of the Lord in our church, I was prophesied over, and this is what was spoken: "The nations are to become your priority. No longer are relationships to be your main priority, but the nations, and what I am calling you to." That thought has been within me, growing roots and taking hold, because I would be content to remain here in the States for years doing one thing after another, before I'd do what I know I am called to. But souls hang in the balance, and they are too important, too precious, too beloved for me to ignore the calling on my life. Yes, it means I'll have to make sacrifices, and yes, it means I don't get to do all I want, have all I want, gain the recognition I'd like to have for my achievements. Yes, it's going to hurt to give some of those wants up. But people's lives are too important for me to care the most about me.

As I face the growing possibility of a transfer to another school, the possibility of going to nursing school within the year, the possibility of being on the mission field (part-time or full-time) within as few as five years (after gaining nursing experience in the States first), the possibility of paying off my student loan debt (and hopefully not gaining any more), my heart steps slowly out of the timidity to which it is accustomed and begins to step into this new season. It's been a long time since I've had to trust the Lord this fully. But as He's spoken to me several times the last week or so-and will likely speak to me again-"You only see all that you are giving up, but I see all you have to gain."

It's time to stop thinking logically and start thinking faithfully. And I want to do that, in ever greater measure, because it is required for the life God has in store for me-if I obey him and follow His leading. My dad started my birthday off by having us take Communion at midnight-a very auspicious beginning to a new phase of life-the phase where I begin to move into my calling. To close, I want leave you with what my dad emailed me-right after midnight on this, my 23rd birthday-with only a tiny part cut out because I'm not authorized to share it with the world yet. :)

"My Dear Sweet Bethany!

"I want to take this time to wish you a very, very Happy Birthday! Your 22nd year was full of adventure and interesting developments. May your 23rd year be the very best you've ever had. May you find joy, peace, contentment, and lot's of fun as you enjoy life, friends, family, and the world around you. I bless you, in the name of Jesus of Nazareth. May you be blessed in your walk with God, your friends, your family. May you find strength and joy in His presence. May you increase in your knowledge of Him, may the joy of knowing Him increase in you. May you be blessed in all you do.

"We love you,

"Mom & Dad

"(This of course, is from Dad.)"


Blessings,
Bethany

P.S. I'm looking forward to Azerbaijan next summer! ;-)

the world goes on and on

Two nights ago at school, in center campus, a Christian singer named Jessie Campbell gave a concert. Half the songs she sang are songs I learned at Teen Mania, and it made me a little bit homesick, or nostalgic, or something along those lines. I miss people who talk about God as though He's their best friend. I miss conversations revolving around God, faith, the Bible, etc. I miss that every week, sometimes every day (as happened at the end of my intern year) you could have an amazing conversation at dinner, in the dorms, or just about anywhere else. I miss sharing my heart. I do not, however, miss the demon ants. ;-)

I have six weeks left in school, then exams. I am trying not to think about the amount of work I need to get done between now and then.

BattleCry is this weekend, and I do not have the funds to go. I'm disappointed, but am making plans to go out to Texas again this summer. THAT would be amazing. I'm not able to go on a mission trip (at least, I don't think so), but...

I'm planning to go to the United Arab Emirates. In January. On a school trip. How amazing is that? We'll do all sorts of amazing things-visiting a mosque, learn about Islam from the imams (religious leaders), visit the U.S. Embassy, meet Christians living there (with the opportunity to discuss their experience living in a Muslim nation), visit museums and landmarks, a bazaar, a rural village and even an overnight "desert safari" including a stay in a Bedouin camp. WOW! Wow wow wow wow wow... And the cost, while not set in stone yet, is very affordable, especially with nine months to gather the money. I am so, so, so unbelievably excited about this trip! What an opportunity-to learn about Islam from the leaders themselves...oh, wow! *happysigh*

How are you, friends? I haven't heard from most of you in a while. That means you should drop me a line hello!

Blessings and peace to you.

Bethany