a penny for my thoughts? [recap]

This was originally posted on 5 December, 2006. It was the end of my first semester of college, nearing the first anniversary of my graduation from the Honor Academy, and less than two weeks till I travelled to Slidell, Louisiana to stay with this one and see this one and this one get married. :) Having had a rather rough year this school year, I have been looking back through my old journals and blogs, and finding...hope. Though much has changed in the intervening time, I find hope for the present, hope for the future, and hope in the knowledge that whatever happens, my Father has my best interests at heart. Much of what is written in this post still reflects what I feel and believe and yes, even hope for, now, nearly two-and-a-half years later.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

So this is long (not that that's unusual...) but...it's some of what I've been contemplating for the last couple of months, especially now that I'm almost a year out of HA...a lot has been going on inside. Read it and be blessed.



some days I want to run away and be a gypsy

never settled in one place, but traveling

place to place to place

meeting people and seeing things few others have seen

just loving people and Jesus



some days I never want to leave

to stay in comfortability and safety

never stepping out on my own because the world

can be just so scary



some days I want to get married tomorrow

and have a whole passel of children

other days I never want to get married

or ever have children

but I know it's in God's hands, because I put it there myself



some days I wonder if things will ever change

if they'll ever be different

I wonder where my life is going

what is going to happen in ten years, twenty or thirty

other days I just don't care at all, because I know

whatever happens, my life belongs to the Lord



sometimes I think about ESOAL

about that weekend that broke me so hard

I remember the pain, the exhaustion

the lies to fight through

I remember

when I was called out to sing "the HA hymn"

just an hour or two before I rang out

"take my life, and let it be,

consecrated Lord, to thee."

I was told later

it sounded like an angel singing,

sweet and beautiful

that blessed my heart,

that this girl remembered that, ten months later, how it stood out to her

I remember the things the Lord taught me that weekend

about controlling my emotions, rather than them controlling me

and how this life

is not about me



I remember quiet times on the picnic table

under that beautiful old oak tree

or sitting by the fountain

the worship that we had

how wonderful it was to worship with people

who loved God as much as I do

how wonderful it was to converse with them

every time you ate in the caf

you could sit with someone you barely knew

and have the most amazing conversation of your life,

so edifying and encouraging

I miss that



I remember the friends who left

for various reasons

how it hurt to see them go, how I cried

and I remember the friends that stayed

and fought through with me

the people that spoke into my life

the way people just loved one another

and respected one another

the way brothers honored their sisters

and sisters respected their brothers

and the beautiful relationships that some of them are in now

so many weddings coming up, or recently had

so many beautiful people

brought together by God

those romances which are written by God

are by far the most beautiful

they are pure and holy and good

a reflection of the relationship God wants with us

that's what I want

that's what I'm waiting for

and I refuse to settle for anything less than extraordinary

in any area of my life

because it belongs to God



He taught me about consecration

it's one of the abiding themes of my life

consecration: to declare or set apart as holy

my favorite psalm is psalm 15

I think it speaks of the kind of life

a Jesus-lover should have

He taught me about love

what it means to love people regardless of their actions

how to see people the way he sees them

He's still teaching me about these



sometimes He gives me a revelation

of His holiness

it's indescribable, but know this, friends:

the Lord is holy

angels cover their faces and dance around his throne

and all they say is

"holy, holy, holy is the Lord,

who was, and is, and is to come"

I don't think the church today really realizes

just how holy He is, or

what this holiness is

or even who He is

God, the Uncreated One

I know what He's shown me is barely scratching the surface

and it blows my mind

every single time

He is holy

and if we are to be like Him,

we, too, must be holy

the Bible has a lot to say about holiness

look it up, there's so much to learn!

my desire to live a holy life, pleasing to God

is behind a lot of the lifestyle decisions I've made

I want every single aspect of my life

to reflect Him and bring glory to His name



every once in a while,

the desire to see nations reached

gets stirred up inside of me

and I get excited to see where He will lead me

next summer and in the future

I anticipate the visiting of many, many nations

from India, Nepal, Bhutan, and China

to Botswana, Zambia, Rwanda and Egypt

to Honduras, Belize, Chili and Peru

to Germany, Russia, Slovakia, and Lithuania

anywhere the Lord may lead me

I am willing to go

because my life is not my own

it belongs to Him



so much is going on inside

so many thoughts racing around unbridled

so many hopes and wishes and dreams and desires

all getting stirred up inside

like when you drop ice cream in a glass of root beer and stir it up

it gets all frothy and foamy and sometimes spills over

whatever is going on, it's good

so good, so beautiful

I'm excited



some days I wish God would show me exactly what my life will look like,

but then I realize that it's the journey to get there that's the good part

and besides,

if I knew everything that was going to happen,

there would be no reason to trust the Lord

trust

that's another thing He taught me last year

another thing still to learn

trust, and obedience, and waiting on the Lord

and it's learning that trust, and obedience, and waiting

that makes this relationship with Him sooo good

I fully believe God has my best interests at heart

and that He knows exactly what He's doing

in every relationship with every person I know

and in every aspect of my life

and I trust Him with that

because He sure as heck knows more than I do!

I like not knowing what will happen

because it lets me anticipate what God is going to do

and it raises my expectations

the Lord is good to my soul

and I love him so much



My dear friend Bridget marries her Aaron a week from Saturday

I'll be there to see it

and I'm excited about it

their romance is beautiful, and holy, and good

and it makes me excited for my own someday-romance

they have allowed God to write their love story

and boy, is it good!

I have rarely seen a couple so well-matched

it is truly a "match made in heaven"

I fully believe the Lord made them each

with the other in mind



the Lord is teaching me new things

and doing exciting things in my life

this little heart of mine is full to overflowing

with the love and grace and blessings

of a beloved Savior

He blesses my heart

and He wants to bless your heart too, friends

so let Him

He will grant you peace

and love you so completely

the Lord is faithful

even when I am not

for that, I am grateful

what if He was only as faithful to us

as we are to Him?

I don't know about you, but to me that's a scary thought

I'm so glad He's not



Seek the Lord today, friends. There is so much He wants to show us and share with us. We only have to let Him.

fireflies dancing in the dusk

So, it's hot. Summer is here in Carolina in full force and the sweltering heat makes it easy to want to stay indoors and drink cold drinks. It's rained a good bit this summer, more than the last couple summers combined, I think, which is wonderful. We've needed the rain badly. Sometimes the rain comes in dreary clouds that turn the sky gray and it drizzles down, soaking the ground gently. Other times it comes roaring in ferociously, putting on impressive shows of light and sound, falling with such intensity it's as if someone were dumping giant buckets of water over the earth. Either way, the rain is a welcome relief from the bright sun and heat. And of course, it's a delight to watch the fireflies come out to play after the sun has gone to rest.

I've been working a bit (though I could use more) and relaxing, preparing for the coming school year that will start in August. I still have many things to do before then, when I will assume more responsibility and leadership in some of my organizations. I do look forward to seeing my friends and sorority sisters again.

My sister and her husband have moved back from Tennessee and have been trying to get work and living arrangements worked out. We also dog-sat for a friend of my parents who moved from halfway across the country. All I have to say is that dog is cute but stubborn, and I'm glad I'm not responsible for him anymore.

My fishies are doing well, though I've had a few casualties. My betta Josiah, who came with me from Texas last summer, passed last month, as did Kate the snail, who also came from Texas. One-eyed Willie is doing great, and I have a new betta who doesn't have a name yet. He's gorgeous though. I feel kind of nerdy talking about my fish in my blogs, but they are my pets and I love them. They're lots of fun and very interactive. Maybe sometime I'll post a link to the video of my mom's fish who allows us to pet him. He's a character.

For the first time in four years, I am not in Texas. By this time in the summer, every summer since 2004 when I first went to Panama with Global Expeditions, I've been in Texas (or otherwise with Teen Mania). In 2005 I was an intern, working in the SAC (Student Activity Center), serving meals to all of the missionaries and campers who came through there. That was my favorite job of all time at Teen Mania, and I loved it.

In 2006 I returned to volunteer and spent the summer mostly on custodial, but occasionally on K-crew. I cleaned lots of toilets, swept lots of floors, and served lots of food. It was great. I went to as many GE sessions as I could manage, saw Skillet in concert, and heard Tim & Will from Travel the Road speak. That was a fantastic summer. I also went to Mexico for two weeks, which was a very stretching experience-more so than even ESOAL, because it lasted for two weeks. Being sick for two weeks before the trip (and trying desperately to get well), then going full speed ahead into GE mode where we were going continuously from early morning to late night and getting an average of five hours of sleep (which brought the cold back in full force) did NOT make that a fun trip. Regardless, the Lord did a lot, taught me a lot, showed me a lot, and I grew to love a lot of people. And the upside is that I couldn't smell anything when we were at the dump! (I still remember the day I sniffed and realized my sinuses had cleared enough for me to smell the stench as we drove past-I was so excited, and told everybody, "Hey, I can smell again!")

Last summer, I went to The Call in Nashville, staying with my sister who lived near there, and a week later went to my old roomie Lisa's wedding. It was beautiful. Then I drove to Texas, expecting four more weeks of toilet-cleaning, floor-sweeping, and food-serving. I did a grand total of one day of toilet cleaning, then was unexpectedly pressed into service as a volunteer counselor. Now that was an adventure. I was a little surprised, because that was the first leadership position I'd been put into at Teen Mania (excepting my experiences as a missionary advisor with GE), and it was, again, totally unexpected. I loved it. Well, most of it... I had a delightful group of volunteer girls and fun hanging out with my fellow volunteer counselors. I didn't have as much time as I'd hoped to spend with old friends from my intern days, but it was okay. I knew before I came that the Lord was bringing me to Texas for a specific purpose, though I'd had no idea what it was, and I think my "take life as it comes" attitude was helpful in making the necessary adjustments. I also saw the wedding of my first brother core CA Brandon (also a beautiful wedding).

Now we are up to summer 2008. It's hot, it's beautiful, and I've no money to go to Texas. I was pretty heartsore when I realized that would be the case, but sometimes things just don't work out the way we'd wish them to. It would have been wonderful to return to my favorite little corner of the world, see a few old friends, make new ones, and eat as many sno-cones as I could hold, but hey-there's always next summer! By then, most of my friends from Teen Mania will be gone, having moved on to the next stage of their lives, and I won't know much of anyone there, but there will be new friends to make.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing all of this, but it's been a very long time since I sat and put my swirling thoughts into order like this (if this can, indeed, be called order), and it needed doing. I still miss Texas and can't wait to return, but the Lord is ordering my steps, even if they don't always lead where I'd wish them to go.

May the Lord bless you and keep you. May He make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you, and may He give you peace.

Bethany