a penny for my thoughts? [recap]

This was originally posted on 5 December, 2006. It was the end of my first semester of college, nearing the first anniversary of my graduation from the Honor Academy, and less than two weeks till I travelled to Slidell, Louisiana to stay with this one and see this one and this one get married. :) Having had a rather rough year this school year, I have been looking back through my old journals and blogs, and finding...hope. Though much has changed in the intervening time, I find hope for the present, hope for the future, and hope in the knowledge that whatever happens, my Father has my best interests at heart. Much of what is written in this post still reflects what I feel and believe and yes, even hope for, now, nearly two-and-a-half years later.

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So this is long (not that that's unusual...) but...it's some of what I've been contemplating for the last couple of months, especially now that I'm almost a year out of HA...a lot has been going on inside. Read it and be blessed.



some days I want to run away and be a gypsy

never settled in one place, but traveling

place to place to place

meeting people and seeing things few others have seen

just loving people and Jesus



some days I never want to leave

to stay in comfortability and safety

never stepping out on my own because the world

can be just so scary



some days I want to get married tomorrow

and have a whole passel of children

other days I never want to get married

or ever have children

but I know it's in God's hands, because I put it there myself



some days I wonder if things will ever change

if they'll ever be different

I wonder where my life is going

what is going to happen in ten years, twenty or thirty

other days I just don't care at all, because I know

whatever happens, my life belongs to the Lord



sometimes I think about ESOAL

about that weekend that broke me so hard

I remember the pain, the exhaustion

the lies to fight through

I remember

when I was called out to sing "the HA hymn"

just an hour or two before I rang out

"take my life, and let it be,

consecrated Lord, to thee."

I was told later

it sounded like an angel singing,

sweet and beautiful

that blessed my heart,

that this girl remembered that, ten months later, how it stood out to her

I remember the things the Lord taught me that weekend

about controlling my emotions, rather than them controlling me

and how this life

is not about me



I remember quiet times on the picnic table

under that beautiful old oak tree

or sitting by the fountain

the worship that we had

how wonderful it was to worship with people

who loved God as much as I do

how wonderful it was to converse with them

every time you ate in the caf

you could sit with someone you barely knew

and have the most amazing conversation of your life,

so edifying and encouraging

I miss that



I remember the friends who left

for various reasons

how it hurt to see them go, how I cried

and I remember the friends that stayed

and fought through with me

the people that spoke into my life

the way people just loved one another

and respected one another

the way brothers honored their sisters

and sisters respected their brothers

and the beautiful relationships that some of them are in now

so many weddings coming up, or recently had

so many beautiful people

brought together by God

those romances which are written by God

are by far the most beautiful

they are pure and holy and good

a reflection of the relationship God wants with us

that's what I want

that's what I'm waiting for

and I refuse to settle for anything less than extraordinary

in any area of my life

because it belongs to God



He taught me about consecration

it's one of the abiding themes of my life

consecration: to declare or set apart as holy

my favorite psalm is psalm 15

I think it speaks of the kind of life

a Jesus-lover should have

He taught me about love

what it means to love people regardless of their actions

how to see people the way he sees them

He's still teaching me about these



sometimes He gives me a revelation

of His holiness

it's indescribable, but know this, friends:

the Lord is holy

angels cover their faces and dance around his throne

and all they say is

"holy, holy, holy is the Lord,

who was, and is, and is to come"

I don't think the church today really realizes

just how holy He is, or

what this holiness is

or even who He is

God, the Uncreated One

I know what He's shown me is barely scratching the surface

and it blows my mind

every single time

He is holy

and if we are to be like Him,

we, too, must be holy

the Bible has a lot to say about holiness

look it up, there's so much to learn!

my desire to live a holy life, pleasing to God

is behind a lot of the lifestyle decisions I've made

I want every single aspect of my life

to reflect Him and bring glory to His name



every once in a while,

the desire to see nations reached

gets stirred up inside of me

and I get excited to see where He will lead me

next summer and in the future

I anticipate the visiting of many, many nations

from India, Nepal, Bhutan, and China

to Botswana, Zambia, Rwanda and Egypt

to Honduras, Belize, Chili and Peru

to Germany, Russia, Slovakia, and Lithuania

anywhere the Lord may lead me

I am willing to go

because my life is not my own

it belongs to Him



so much is going on inside

so many thoughts racing around unbridled

so many hopes and wishes and dreams and desires

all getting stirred up inside

like when you drop ice cream in a glass of root beer and stir it up

it gets all frothy and foamy and sometimes spills over

whatever is going on, it's good

so good, so beautiful

I'm excited



some days I wish God would show me exactly what my life will look like,

but then I realize that it's the journey to get there that's the good part

and besides,

if I knew everything that was going to happen,

there would be no reason to trust the Lord

trust

that's another thing He taught me last year

another thing still to learn

trust, and obedience, and waiting on the Lord

and it's learning that trust, and obedience, and waiting

that makes this relationship with Him sooo good

I fully believe God has my best interests at heart

and that He knows exactly what He's doing

in every relationship with every person I know

and in every aspect of my life

and I trust Him with that

because He sure as heck knows more than I do!

I like not knowing what will happen

because it lets me anticipate what God is going to do

and it raises my expectations

the Lord is good to my soul

and I love him so much



My dear friend Bridget marries her Aaron a week from Saturday

I'll be there to see it

and I'm excited about it

their romance is beautiful, and holy, and good

and it makes me excited for my own someday-romance

they have allowed God to write their love story

and boy, is it good!

I have rarely seen a couple so well-matched

it is truly a "match made in heaven"

I fully believe the Lord made them each

with the other in mind



the Lord is teaching me new things

and doing exciting things in my life

this little heart of mine is full to overflowing

with the love and grace and blessings

of a beloved Savior

He blesses my heart

and He wants to bless your heart too, friends

so let Him

He will grant you peace

and love you so completely

the Lord is faithful

even when I am not

for that, I am grateful

what if He was only as faithful to us

as we are to Him?

I don't know about you, but to me that's a scary thought

I'm so glad He's not



Seek the Lord today, friends. There is so much He wants to show us and share with us. We only have to let Him.

Reflections on a year gone by...

I'm 23 today! Yay! Yikes! Yay!

It has been quite a year, with many changes, both good and bad. I was Initiated into my [women's] fraternity. My sister moved back to Tennessee and then back to North Carolina a few months later. I experienced joys and frustrations, happiness and sorrows, love and extreme dislike, and most everything in between. I never got to go to Texas as a 22-year-old, the first year since I was 18 that has happened. I made some friends and said goodbye to others, found myself (mostly unexpectedly) in leadership roles, was prophesied over and prayed over, watched friends marry or give birth (mostly from a distance), prayed for my someday beloved and learned more about the One who calls me Beloved. So, now that this crazy-hectic-never-to-be-repeated year has ended, where does birthday number 23 find me?

Here, for now. A few weeks ago I applied for a Global Expeditions trip and two Saturdays ago, I was accepted to go-to Azerbaijan. I wasn't sure it would be able to happen, but since that day, the Lord has been working on me, as I've spent more time with Him, awakening within me things that have long lain dormant-wishes, desires, dreams, and hopes, but most of all, and more importantly, Love.

When I was at the Honor Academy, and after I graduated, one of my most frequent prayers was, "Lord, break my heart for the things that break Yours. I want to see people as You see them, not as I see them, I want to feel for them what You feel for them, and I want to love them as You love them." The Lord taught me a great deal about brokenness in that year, and grew within me a deep, abiding love for the nations-all nations-and the people within them.

It's been a long time since I prayed that prayer. I wish that weren't true, but it is, and my heart has been toughened & hardened since I stopped praying it. I'm not even sure how long it's been since I stopped praying that prayer-months, perhaps a year or more. But in recent days, the breaking has begun anew. Little cracks in the wall, the dam that my heart has somehow become, and I know that soon the cracks will become bigger cracks, and bigger ones, and finally break the whole thing down if I allow Him to do it-and I want Him to. The deeper His love within me for people and for the nations, the straighter I'm able to keep my priorities. Otherwise, other stuff creeps in-stuff I'd like to have, and stuff I want-because I forget ever-so-quickly that this life is not about me.

Back in December, after a night of great presence of the Lord in our church, I was prophesied over, and this is what was spoken: "The nations are to become your priority. No longer are relationships to be your main priority, but the nations, and what I am calling you to." That thought has been within me, growing roots and taking hold, because I would be content to remain here in the States for years doing one thing after another, before I'd do what I know I am called to. But souls hang in the balance, and they are too important, too precious, too beloved for me to ignore the calling on my life. Yes, it means I'll have to make sacrifices, and yes, it means I don't get to do all I want, have all I want, gain the recognition I'd like to have for my achievements. Yes, it's going to hurt to give some of those wants up. But people's lives are too important for me to care the most about me.

As I face the growing possibility of a transfer to another school, the possibility of going to nursing school within the year, the possibility of being on the mission field (part-time or full-time) within as few as five years (after gaining nursing experience in the States first), the possibility of paying off my student loan debt (and hopefully not gaining any more), my heart steps slowly out of the timidity to which it is accustomed and begins to step into this new season. It's been a long time since I've had to trust the Lord this fully. But as He's spoken to me several times the last week or so-and will likely speak to me again-"You only see all that you are giving up, but I see all you have to gain."

It's time to stop thinking logically and start thinking faithfully. And I want to do that, in ever greater measure, because it is required for the life God has in store for me-if I obey him and follow His leading. My dad started my birthday off by having us take Communion at midnight-a very auspicious beginning to a new phase of life-the phase where I begin to move into my calling. To close, I want leave you with what my dad emailed me-right after midnight on this, my 23rd birthday-with only a tiny part cut out because I'm not authorized to share it with the world yet. :)

"My Dear Sweet Bethany!

"I want to take this time to wish you a very, very Happy Birthday! Your 22nd year was full of adventure and interesting developments. May your 23rd year be the very best you've ever had. May you find joy, peace, contentment, and lot's of fun as you enjoy life, friends, family, and the world around you. I bless you, in the name of Jesus of Nazareth. May you be blessed in your walk with God, your friends, your family. May you find strength and joy in His presence. May you increase in your knowledge of Him, may the joy of knowing Him increase in you. May you be blessed in all you do.

"We love you,

"Mom & Dad

"(This of course, is from Dad.)"


Blessings,
Bethany

P.S. I'm looking forward to Azerbaijan next summer! ;-)