Many have traveled this road before
I see their tracks in the dirt
But maybe I don’t agree
With where they are leading
And who am I, just a youth
But why has that become the excuse
A monotone voice
In my head saying
Dreaming all the time
It’s so foolish
Your flood of empty words
Will drown you in ruin
So we listen
Should we listen.
They shake their heads
As they drive away in the bandwagon
Didn’t feel like hitching a ride
Oh, but I’ll be fine
Some nights it’s hard to be alone
I want some kind of kinship
But the finish line
It drives me on
When they say.
Dreaming all the time
It’s so foolish
Your flood of empty words
Will drown you in ruin
So we listen
Should we listen
Come with me
They’ll call us revolutionaries
Come with me
They’ll call us revolutionaries
Revolutionaries
Revolutionaries
Dreaming all the time
It’s not foolish
Your flood of life giving words
They will refresh, they will refresh
Dreaming all the time
It’s not foolish
Your flood of life giving words
They will refresh
Should we listen
Revolutionaries.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
adrift, but not alone
Adrift. That's how I feel right now. Not on a tempest-tossed sea but on calm, tranquil waters spreading so far I can't see the horizon. I'm graduating in four weeks [and two days]. What then? I don't know. But I have peace.
I applied for an internship at the direction of the Lord. I didn't get accepted. What now? Do I reapply for a later date? Do I apply for a nursing program? Do I apply for another internship program I've been wanting to do? Do I apply for a 1-2 year mission program?
I don't know.
I've come to the end of a chapter of my life, a chapter that has brought great sorrow and much joy, temptations and trials, success and failure, betrayal and trust. It's brought greater loneliness than I thought was possible. It's brought sweeter fellowship with the Lord than I've ever known. It's brought people into my life whose footprints shall remain on my heart when I am old and gray, and others who are but a vague memory. I've learned so much about myself, grown so much as a woman, and found strength within myself I did not know I possessed. The Lord has taught me about loving and living and walking with Him. Have I lived as fully for Him as I possibly could? Probably not.
In hindsight one can see things that were not even vague inclinations when they still lay ahead. I have done and said things I'd take back if I could. I have not always pursued the One I love as fully as I should or could have. I've stumbled. I've fallen. I can't change the past, but though my past will shape me, it does not have to define who I become. I am determined to learn what it means to live for Him with the full measure of my being, where every cell and pore and mitochondria declare the fullness and the glory of God. I feel I'm standing on the edge of a precipice, over which I cannot see the path that lays ahead, nor what's on the other side. But one thing I know. If I take this plunge, if I dive into discovering the fullness and depths of who He is; if I jump into this discovery of His very being, there will be no turning back.
Nearly four years ago, the Lord showed me a vision of what He desires to do in and through His Bride, the Church. And He asked me a question. I've been afraid of accepting the offer He extended me then, because of the radical extent of change and the incredible standard to which He would hold me. I'm afraid that I won't measure up, that I won't be enough. But, though He's been so incredibly patient with me as I consider His offer, I know that time is running out and soon His offer will be rescinded. And that would impact the calling He's placed on my life, and indeed, all eternity would be negatively affected. Because I was afraid. Can I live with that?
I don't think so.
So even though I'm scared silly by the thought of what this will mean and how it will resonate in every particle of my life, I am going to say yes. I refuse to allow fear to paralyze me into a life of mediocrity, so my answer is yes. I'm taking the plunge. I don't know what this looks like. I don't know how to do it. I don't know what this will mean for the rest. of. my. life. But by golly, I'm saying YES! There are lives that are waiting, and I am responsible for developing the gifts the Lord has given me, which He intended to be used to bring life and healing and justice to the world--to see His kingdom come, His will be done.
My answer is yes. Yes, Lord, though it cost me. Yes, Lord, though it hurts. Yes, Lord, for You are worthy. Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES! I do! I will follow You! I have counted the cost, and I am willing to give it all up, all to You, Lord. All my hopes, all my dreams, all my future. All to You. For You. are. worthy.
May the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering.
Selah.
I applied for an internship at the direction of the Lord. I didn't get accepted. What now? Do I reapply for a later date? Do I apply for a nursing program? Do I apply for another internship program I've been wanting to do? Do I apply for a 1-2 year mission program?
I don't know.
I've come to the end of a chapter of my life, a chapter that has brought great sorrow and much joy, temptations and trials, success and failure, betrayal and trust. It's brought greater loneliness than I thought was possible. It's brought sweeter fellowship with the Lord than I've ever known. It's brought people into my life whose footprints shall remain on my heart when I am old and gray, and others who are but a vague memory. I've learned so much about myself, grown so much as a woman, and found strength within myself I did not know I possessed. The Lord has taught me about loving and living and walking with Him. Have I lived as fully for Him as I possibly could? Probably not.
In hindsight one can see things that were not even vague inclinations when they still lay ahead. I have done and said things I'd take back if I could. I have not always pursued the One I love as fully as I should or could have. I've stumbled. I've fallen. I can't change the past, but though my past will shape me, it does not have to define who I become. I am determined to learn what it means to live for Him with the full measure of my being, where every cell and pore and mitochondria declare the fullness and the glory of God. I feel I'm standing on the edge of a precipice, over which I cannot see the path that lays ahead, nor what's on the other side. But one thing I know. If I take this plunge, if I dive into discovering the fullness and depths of who He is; if I jump into this discovery of His very being, there will be no turning back.
Nearly four years ago, the Lord showed me a vision of what He desires to do in and through His Bride, the Church. And He asked me a question. I've been afraid of accepting the offer He extended me then, because of the radical extent of change and the incredible standard to which He would hold me. I'm afraid that I won't measure up, that I won't be enough. But, though He's been so incredibly patient with me as I consider His offer, I know that time is running out and soon His offer will be rescinded. And that would impact the calling He's placed on my life, and indeed, all eternity would be negatively affected. Because I was afraid. Can I live with that?
I don't think so.
So even though I'm scared silly by the thought of what this will mean and how it will resonate in every particle of my life, I am going to say yes. I refuse to allow fear to paralyze me into a life of mediocrity, so my answer is yes. I'm taking the plunge. I don't know what this looks like. I don't know how to do it. I don't know what this will mean for the rest. of. my. life. But by golly, I'm saying YES! There are lives that are waiting, and I am responsible for developing the gifts the Lord has given me, which He intended to be used to bring life and healing and justice to the world--to see His kingdom come, His will be done.
My answer is yes. Yes, Lord, though it cost me. Yes, Lord, though it hurts. Yes, Lord, for You are worthy. Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES! I do! I will follow You! I have counted the cost, and I am willing to give it all up, all to You, Lord. All my hopes, all my dreams, all my future. All to You. For You. are. worthy.
May the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering.
Selah.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
a radical consecration; a holy desperation
Desperate. What does it mean to be desperate? Desperate can be defined as having an urgent need or desire, or “making a final, ultimate effort; giving all.” It can even mean “reckless or dangerous because of despair or urgency.” But what does that really mean? More specifically, what does it mean to be desperate for the Lord? It’s common phraseology in Christian circles—it’s even worked its way into our popular worship songs. “Breathe,” which for years was (and still is) very popular, sings “And I, I’m desperate for You…” But again, I ask: What does this mean?
I’ve been so busy this semester I’ve had little time to ponder or contemplate questions like this, and so many remain unanswered in my mind—in my heart. But I want to know what it means to be really, truly, thirstily desperate to know and love and see and experience my Lord. Sometimes it feels as though if I could just get a grasp on what it really means to be desperate to know Him—intimately, as a Lover—then maybe, just maybe I could shoot for that goal and have some hope of attaining it.
I love my Lord. I’m sure of that. But do I LOVE Him? Am I truly at a place where I willingly surrender each moment of every day to His direction, to His keeping? Do I truly, really trust that He has my best interests at heart? Is there anything within me, any traitorous thought that keeps me from trusting Him implicitly the way I long to? Sure, I’ve surrendered my life and my hopes and my heart and my dreams to Him. Sure, I submit them to His will. But I’m just as quick to take them back and hold on tight, foolishly thinking that somehow, maybe I can make things come to pass in a better way than He can. Silly me! Being in that broken place of complete surrender, of total submission is such a beautiful, marvelous thing—but I’m so quick to step out of it! It’s painful and hard and challenging and tough and I just don’t want to stay there, even though I do! If you’ve ever been there, you know exactly what I mean!
Consecrate. To declare or to set apart as holy. Holy. To be holy is to be set apart or devoted to the Lord’s purposes. The International House of Prayer (which has recently been experiencing an incredible move of the Holy Spirit!) places a good deal of emphasis on the vow of the Nazirite—a serious vow of consecration and holiness to the Lord, marked by the shaving of the head and the abstention from all things produced from grapes and avoidance of being around the dead—desiring to raise up men and women whose hearts are fully devoted to the Lord and His purposes. I have never had an inclination to take a Nazirite vow, but the root word of Nazirite is “naw-zar,” which means “to hold aloof, to abstain, to set apart (to sacred purposes), to devote: -consecrate, separate.”
Those of you who knew me back in the Xanga and Myspace days may remember that my username for both was “consecratedworship.” Consecration is a huge, abiding theme in my life; it is written into my life mission statement and is one of three words that made it into the condensed version of my life mission statement [[love.revolution.consecration]]. The Lord called me nearly three months ago into a season of intense consecration to Him, and the time since has been rather excruciatingly painful on the inside because so much uprooting and dross-skimming has been going on. That combined with the workload of my classes made for a very interesting semester I’m ever-so-glad I don’t have to repeat (basically the worst semester of my life), and I am moving now into a place I’ve never been. A place of greater purity, of greater holiness, of greater consecration to Him. He has marked me and set me apart for His purposes, and though I don’t by any means know the full extent of what they are, I do know that they will be beautiful, and that lives will be changed. Hallelujah!
Selah.
Bethany
I’ve been so busy this semester I’ve had little time to ponder or contemplate questions like this, and so many remain unanswered in my mind—in my heart. But I want to know what it means to be really, truly, thirstily desperate to know and love and see and experience my Lord. Sometimes it feels as though if I could just get a grasp on what it really means to be desperate to know Him—intimately, as a Lover—then maybe, just maybe I could shoot for that goal and have some hope of attaining it.
I love my Lord. I’m sure of that. But do I LOVE Him? Am I truly at a place where I willingly surrender each moment of every day to His direction, to His keeping? Do I truly, really trust that He has my best interests at heart? Is there anything within me, any traitorous thought that keeps me from trusting Him implicitly the way I long to? Sure, I’ve surrendered my life and my hopes and my heart and my dreams to Him. Sure, I submit them to His will. But I’m just as quick to take them back and hold on tight, foolishly thinking that somehow, maybe I can make things come to pass in a better way than He can. Silly me! Being in that broken place of complete surrender, of total submission is such a beautiful, marvelous thing—but I’m so quick to step out of it! It’s painful and hard and challenging and tough and I just don’t want to stay there, even though I do! If you’ve ever been there, you know exactly what I mean!
Consecrate. To declare or to set apart as holy. Holy. To be holy is to be set apart or devoted to the Lord’s purposes. The International House of Prayer (which has recently been experiencing an incredible move of the Holy Spirit!) places a good deal of emphasis on the vow of the Nazirite—a serious vow of consecration and holiness to the Lord, marked by the shaving of the head and the abstention from all things produced from grapes and avoidance of being around the dead—desiring to raise up men and women whose hearts are fully devoted to the Lord and His purposes. I have never had an inclination to take a Nazirite vow, but the root word of Nazirite is “naw-zar,” which means “to hold aloof, to abstain, to set apart (to sacred purposes), to devote: -consecrate, separate.”
Those of you who knew me back in the Xanga and Myspace days may remember that my username for both was “consecratedworship.” Consecration is a huge, abiding theme in my life; it is written into my life mission statement and is one of three words that made it into the condensed version of my life mission statement [[love.revolution.consecration]]. The Lord called me nearly three months ago into a season of intense consecration to Him, and the time since has been rather excruciatingly painful on the inside because so much uprooting and dross-skimming has been going on. That combined with the workload of my classes made for a very interesting semester I’m ever-so-glad I don’t have to repeat (basically the worst semester of my life), and I am moving now into a place I’ve never been. A place of greater purity, of greater holiness, of greater consecration to Him. He has marked me and set me apart for His purposes, and though I don’t by any means know the full extent of what they are, I do know that they will be beautiful, and that lives will be changed. Hallelujah!
Selah.
Bethany
Friday, November 13, 2009
a post for thursday, on friday, in the early morn
Today (Thursday), I bought a "My Little Pony" coloring book for a dollar from Target, so I can tear the pictures out and send them to my girls Shalen and Scarle to color. :)
Tomorrow (Friday) I get to see my sister and my nephew. :) :)
And in a little over a month, I will be DONE with this horrendous semester. :) :) :)
Tomorrow (Friday) I get to see my sister and my nephew. :) :)
And in a little over a month, I will be DONE with this horrendous semester. :) :) :)
Thursday, November 5, 2009
my grown-up Christmas list.
This year has changed me a lot. My priorities have shifted and I see the world differently than I did a year ago. One of the biggest reasons for this was picking up a second sponsored child through Compassion International last year, and now that I have started sponsoring a third one (just a couple of weeks ago!), I have realized a few things. One, I have far more than I could ever possibly use or need. I am working on purging my belongings, which is difficult for me as I have sentimental attachments to everything! But I am determined to reduce the amount of junk I own and live simply. I refuse to be a perpetual packrat.
Two, this life is not about me. Not me, not me, not me. It is about others and what I can do to serve them and show them the love of our Father in heaven. So much of the world lives in abject poverty, and though I’ve said I care about them for years, my actions have not backed up my words. It’s time for that to change.
Since I don’t *need* anything (though I may *want* many things!), I have decided to do something this Christmas to give credence to my rhetoric. Rather than asking for more useless stuff that will merely accumulate in my room, I have decided that what I want for Christmas this year is to change the world. I have listed three of my favorite charitable organizations, and opportunities for giving to them that mean something to me. There are, of course, many other ways to give to these organizations, but for Christmas this year…I want to rescue a child(ren) from slavery, provide a bicycle for a missionary, save the lives of babies, prevent the spread of preventable diseases, and give a family a way to support themselves and be lifted out of poverty. The ones marked *** are my favorites, but I especially want to rescue a child from slavery and buy a bicycle for a missionary.
My challenge to you is, “What are you doing to make your Christmas count?”
Blessings and love.
Bethany
Compassion International
***Donation to Compassion’s Tanzania Clean Water Projects (especially relevant now as I have a sponsored child in Tanzania!). Sixty percent of diseases afflicting Compassion-assisted children in Tanzania are waterborne diseases. Less than half the population has access to safe, clean drinking water. https://www.compassion.com/contribution/giving/Tanzania+Clean+Water+Projects.htm
***Donation to Compassion’s Child Survival Program. I love babies. Love them, love them, love them. And 26,000 children under five die every day, nearly all of preventable causes. This program helps provide prenatal care, health screenings, nutrition education, food, and church support for expectant mothers and mothers of small children to help ensure these children can survive until they are old enough to be enrolled in Compassion’s sponsorship program (around age 4-5, typically). You even have the option of supporting a single Child Survival Program project. https://www.compassion.com/contribution/giving/CSP.htm
***Donation to Compassion’s Malaria Intervention Fund. Most of the million people who die each year of malaria are children. Mosquito nets, available for only $10, can drastically reduce the rate of infections and save lives. https://www.compassion.com/contribution/giving/malariaintervention.htm
Gospel for Asia
***A bicycle for a Gospel for Asia missionary. For $110, a bicycle can be provided for a native missionary which dramatically increases the area able to be covered by the missionary, thus providing opportunity for more areas to be reached with the Gospel. http://www.gfa.org/gift/gifts-for-missionaries/
A rickshaw for a native family. For $133, a rickshaw can be provided to give a family a way to make a living and meet their family’s needs. http://www.gfa.org/gift/gifts-of-outreach/
***Biosand water filter. For $30, a sand filter can be provided for a village, allowing them water that is 98% pure of dangerous pathogens. http://www.gfa.org/gift/gifts-of-compassion/
***Vocational training. For $30, vocational training can be provided for an individual to give them a way to make a living and support themselves and their family. http://www.gfa.org/gift/gifts-of-compassion/
***Flock of chicks or rabbits. For $11, a small group of chicks or rabbits can be provided for a family, giving them food and an extra source of income. http://www.gfa.org/gift/from-the-stable/
Lambs. For $65, a lamb can be provided for a family to give them food and income sources. http://www.gfa.org/gift/from-the-stable/
Goats. For $60 a goat (or for $120 a pair of goats) can be provided for a family to give them food and a source of extra income. http://www.gfa.org/gift/from-the-stable/
Samaritan’s Purse
***Gift 8—Rescue a child from bondage and abuse. For $75, a safe haven, basic necessities, and counseling can be provided for a vulnerable child. https://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/Giving/gift_catalog/
Gift 12—help stock a fish pond. For $50, you can stock a fish pond and give a whole village a source of food and income! https://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/Giving/gift_catalog/
Gift 16—honeybees. For $30 a hive can be provided to give a family a source of food and income. https://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/Giving/gift_catalog/
Gift 24—emergency shelter. For $100, emergency repairs can be made to a damaged home. For $200, an emergency shelter can be constructed. https://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/Giving/gift_catalog/
Gift 27—emergency medicine. For $60, fifty people can be provided with life-saving emergency medicine. https://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/Giving/gift_catalog/
Gift 28—help fight epidemic diseases. For $75, up to five people can be provided with vaccines, testing, and/or medications to fight some of the most common and preventable diseases. https://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/Giving/gift_catalog/
Gift 33—care for AIDS orphans and widows. For $45, an AIDS orphan or widow can be provided with a month of meals or other necessities. https://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/Giving/gift_catalog/
***Gift 41—bikes and vehicles for the mission field. For $100 a bike or other method of transportation can be provided for a native missionary or pastor, allowing them to share the Gospel over wider territory. https://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/Giving/gift_catalog/
Gift 46—“Jesus Loves Me” lambs. For only $4, a lamb that plays this song can be given to a child. https://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/Giving/gift_catalog/
***Gift 49—help a young doctor answer God’s call to missions. For $50, you can contribute to reducing a young doctor’s student loan debt, enabling them to get out on the mission field more quickly. As this is precisely what I want to do (except in nursing), this is something I feel strongly about! Let’s get these doctors on the mission field! https://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/Giving/gift_catalog/
Gift 50—help stop the spread of HIV/AIDS. For $25, a church worker can be equipped with training, materials, and other resources to fight the spread of HIV/AIDS. https://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/Giving/gift_catalog/
Gift 52—help cure tuberculosis. For only $15, medicine can be provided to save the life of someone who has contracted TB. https://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/Giving/gift_catalog/
Monday, October 19, 2009
hallelujah, grace like rain
I wrote this blog several weeks ago but never quite got around to finishing and posting it, so I am posting it now, with a few more current revisions.
The heart of me
It’s been well over a month since I returned to Panama. How was the trip, you ask?
It was excellent. It was difficult. It was wonderful. It was challenging. It opened my heart. It intrigued my soul. It brought things to surface that have been long buried. Insecurities I’d thought dealt with long ago, longings my heart has long known, dreams I’ve been waiting to see come to pass, love as I’ve yet to k now. The Lord did so, so much in Panama.
On our island, Soledad Mandinga, my team and I arrived to find no church and only a handful of young believers. I didn’t get to spend the whole week on the island due to an injury that necessitated me escorting a missionary to another island on which the clinic was located (the island of Carti Sugdup, where another of our teams was based). But by the end of the week on Soledad Mandinga, the people decided to plant a church, and they allowed us to be a part of its founding. Our project director, Ed, and our team leader, Waikiki, were able to baptize a dozen or so young people in the salty sea that ringed our island. That night, we held the first service of the new church on that island. Praise God!
The trip to the clinic island was an adventure and a miracle in itself. You see, we did not know that one of our teams was stationed on that island, Carti Sugdup. The contact on our island told us that no one on the island even spoke English! Since I had to escort the young man and I don’t speak Spanish, I was terrified. As we climbed in the little boat and headed away from our island, my prayer was, “Lord, please, please, please, let there be someone there on that island who speaks enough English to communicate! Someone who’s fluent would be even better!” I was so, so scared in that moment, so worried about what was going to happen, but as we boated over the open water in this little canoe-like boat, the Lord spoke to my heart. He reminded me, “Beth! I am with you wherever you go!” So I said, “Okay, Lord. I’m still scared, but we got this!” As I looked out over the vast expanse of water, I was overwhelmed by the realization of His love for me, for us, for the world. With every drop of water that covers the earth, He loves us. With every grain of sand that makes up the ground we walk upon, He loves us. With every drop of blood that fell from His broken, beaten body, He loves us.
Then we arrived at the island. As we drifted up to the dock, I gathered my courage and said another prayer, and climbed out of the boat and headed for the clinic nearby—and who did I see walking towards me but Andres, one of the team leaders for the team on this island! Just having another team on this island would be miracle enough, but you see, Andres is from Costa Rica, Panama’s neighbor, and therefore is a native Spanish speaker—and his wife, Katie (who was the other team leader on this island) is a nurse! Having the two of them there to take care of us was such a blessing, and hanging out with their team was a great experience.
One of the coolest moments from the trip was the last full day on the islands—the day of the baptism—when Waikiki (the team leader) asked David (one of the other country assistants) and me to go with two Kuna men to get fresh water for bathing. We got into a boat and went across to the mainland—maybe 10-15 minutes—and boated up a river a little ways. This river was in the jungle, and there were trees with viney-root things hanging down into the water, and all kinds of vegetation. It was a little surreal, like entering a whole other world—but it was SO COOL!!! When we got to where the water was fresh the Kunas stopped the boat and handed us five-gallon buckets to fill the big plastic barrels with. I, of course, managed to fill the bucket too full on the first dip into the river, and I couldn’t lift it! One of the Kunas came from the back of the boat, took the bucket from me, dumped the water into the barrel, and proceeded to the front of the barrel—taking my bucket with him. So I sat there feeling a little silly and embarrassed since I wasn’t helping at all but laughing because it was pretty funny.
Being in the jungle was a more challenging experience—the village we were in, Embera Puru, was an Embera Indian village, and they apparently did not know we were coming! The first questions asked by the locals when we arrived were, “What did you come to give us for free? What did you bring to give us?” That week was challenging mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, though I did love the children. I was with Katie and Andres’ team that week, and we had some very interesting logistical problems to solve—like how to hang our hammocks with high ceilings, barred windows and rope. We also dealt with some freak-accident injuries the first couple days, until we took authority over that and prayed against it and they stopped. It was a hard week, but a good one overall, and we were blessed to have two wonderful translators, Daniel and Jonathan, as well. We were able to encourage the Christians who were there and share the gospel with a number of people, and a few wanted to give their lives over to the living God. Thank you, Father!
What about now, you ask? How am I now that I am back in my home state and in my final year of college?
I have been well, but a month ago today, the Lord called me deeper, deeper, deeper in a way He never has, and the time since then...has been a fight. I am tired and weary, school is extremely challenging for me, and I am longing for fellowship. I went back to Teen Mania this weekend for alumni weekend, and though I enjoyed myself, I did not have the chance for fellowship with many of those with whom I'd hoped to have it, and that was disappointing. Living in Wilson has been a lonely experience, for lack of opportunity to fellowship and to talk about my favorite subject-the Lord. So I am trying to push through the discouragement and the loneliness and the weariness but sometimes, I just need a little encouragement, a little support, a little help holding my hands up. Being tried in the fire is a hard place to be.
May His name be glorified in all I say and do.
Bethany
The heart of me
It’s been well over a month since I returned to Panama. How was the trip, you ask?
It was excellent. It was difficult. It was wonderful. It was challenging. It opened my heart. It intrigued my soul. It brought things to surface that have been long buried. Insecurities I’d thought dealt with long ago, longings my heart has long known, dreams I’ve been waiting to see come to pass, love as I’ve yet to k now. The Lord did so, so much in Panama.
On our island, Soledad Mandinga, my team and I arrived to find no church and only a handful of young believers. I didn’t get to spend the whole week on the island due to an injury that necessitated me escorting a missionary to another island on which the clinic was located (the island of Carti Sugdup, where another of our teams was based). But by the end of the week on Soledad Mandinga, the people decided to plant a church, and they allowed us to be a part of its founding. Our project director, Ed, and our team leader, Waikiki, were able to baptize a dozen or so young people in the salty sea that ringed our island. That night, we held the first service of the new church on that island. Praise God!
The trip to the clinic island was an adventure and a miracle in itself. You see, we did not know that one of our teams was stationed on that island, Carti Sugdup. The contact on our island told us that no one on the island even spoke English! Since I had to escort the young man and I don’t speak Spanish, I was terrified. As we climbed in the little boat and headed away from our island, my prayer was, “Lord, please, please, please, let there be someone there on that island who speaks enough English to communicate! Someone who’s fluent would be even better!” I was so, so scared in that moment, so worried about what was going to happen, but as we boated over the open water in this little canoe-like boat, the Lord spoke to my heart. He reminded me, “Beth! I am with you wherever you go!” So I said, “Okay, Lord. I’m still scared, but we got this!” As I looked out over the vast expanse of water, I was overwhelmed by the realization of His love for me, for us, for the world. With every drop of water that covers the earth, He loves us. With every grain of sand that makes up the ground we walk upon, He loves us. With every drop of blood that fell from His broken, beaten body, He loves us.
Then we arrived at the island. As we drifted up to the dock, I gathered my courage and said another prayer, and climbed out of the boat and headed for the clinic nearby—and who did I see walking towards me but Andres, one of the team leaders for the team on this island! Just having another team on this island would be miracle enough, but you see, Andres is from Costa Rica, Panama’s neighbor, and therefore is a native Spanish speaker—and his wife, Katie (who was the other team leader on this island) is a nurse! Having the two of them there to take care of us was such a blessing, and hanging out with their team was a great experience.
One of the coolest moments from the trip was the last full day on the islands—the day of the baptism—when Waikiki (the team leader) asked David (one of the other country assistants) and me to go with two Kuna men to get fresh water for bathing. We got into a boat and went across to the mainland—maybe 10-15 minutes—and boated up a river a little ways. This river was in the jungle, and there were trees with viney-root things hanging down into the water, and all kinds of vegetation. It was a little surreal, like entering a whole other world—but it was SO COOL!!! When we got to where the water was fresh the Kunas stopped the boat and handed us five-gallon buckets to fill the big plastic barrels with. I, of course, managed to fill the bucket too full on the first dip into the river, and I couldn’t lift it! One of the Kunas came from the back of the boat, took the bucket from me, dumped the water into the barrel, and proceeded to the front of the barrel—taking my bucket with him. So I sat there feeling a little silly and embarrassed since I wasn’t helping at all but laughing because it was pretty funny.
Being in the jungle was a more challenging experience—the village we were in, Embera Puru, was an Embera Indian village, and they apparently did not know we were coming! The first questions asked by the locals when we arrived were, “What did you come to give us for free? What did you bring to give us?” That week was challenging mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, though I did love the children. I was with Katie and Andres’ team that week, and we had some very interesting logistical problems to solve—like how to hang our hammocks with high ceilings, barred windows and rope. We also dealt with some freak-accident injuries the first couple days, until we took authority over that and prayed against it and they stopped. It was a hard week, but a good one overall, and we were blessed to have two wonderful translators, Daniel and Jonathan, as well. We were able to encourage the Christians who were there and share the gospel with a number of people, and a few wanted to give their lives over to the living God. Thank you, Father!
What about now, you ask? How am I now that I am back in my home state and in my final year of college?
I have been well, but a month ago today, the Lord called me deeper, deeper, deeper in a way He never has, and the time since then...has been a fight. I am tired and weary, school is extremely challenging for me, and I am longing for fellowship. I went back to Teen Mania this weekend for alumni weekend, and though I enjoyed myself, I did not have the chance for fellowship with many of those with whom I'd hoped to have it, and that was disappointing. Living in Wilson has been a lonely experience, for lack of opportunity to fellowship and to talk about my favorite subject-the Lord. So I am trying to push through the discouragement and the loneliness and the weariness but sometimes, I just need a little encouragement, a little support, a little help holding my hands up. Being tried in the fire is a hard place to be.
May His name be glorified in all I say and do.
Bethany
Sunday, August 9, 2009
home, and where it is
I'm sitting alone in upstairs Mission Control, aka the GE building on Teen Mania's campus, checking my email and Facebook and thinking...
I've stashed my lunch leftovers in the fridge upstairs in the admin,
I'm sleeping in the TL longhouse,
I ate lunch in a park, with friends old and new; the same park, in fact, where the Tyler 10k starts and ends...
I wonder what the future holds,
I'm wishing, wishing, wishing I didn't have to leave,
I've been asked when I'm going home,
I answer, "I am home...but I'm heading back to North Carolina soon..."
I wish I never had to leave Texas,
It holds a huge piece of my heart and every time...
It's harder to leave...
If home is where the heart is, my home is most definitely in Texas.
I still remember the first time I ever rolled onto Teen Mania's campus, in the bus from the airport to MA camp for my first Panama trip...we drove past the dorms and I had the strangest sensation that I had just come home...
It feels, every time I leave, as though I've just left a dear friend behind, and I've no idea when I'll see that friend again...
I'm so tired of goodbyes.
I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know what I'll do upon graduating. I don't know where I'll go. I don't know where I'll be a year from now. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing or anything. Sometimes it's hard to know that I don't know, and to be okay with that. But maybe, just maybe, I can hope...
I hope that next time I come out here, I don't have to leave.
Bethany
I've stashed my lunch leftovers in the fridge upstairs in the admin,
I'm sleeping in the TL longhouse,
I ate lunch in a park, with friends old and new; the same park, in fact, where the Tyler 10k starts and ends...
I wonder what the future holds,
I'm wishing, wishing, wishing I didn't have to leave,
I've been asked when I'm going home,
I answer, "I am home...but I'm heading back to North Carolina soon..."
I wish I never had to leave Texas,
It holds a huge piece of my heart and every time...
It's harder to leave...
If home is where the heart is, my home is most definitely in Texas.
I still remember the first time I ever rolled onto Teen Mania's campus, in the bus from the airport to MA camp for my first Panama trip...we drove past the dorms and I had the strangest sensation that I had just come home...
It feels, every time I leave, as though I've just left a dear friend behind, and I've no idea when I'll see that friend again...
I'm so tired of goodbyes.
I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know what I'll do upon graduating. I don't know where I'll go. I don't know where I'll be a year from now. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing or anything. Sometimes it's hard to know that I don't know, and to be okay with that. But maybe, just maybe, I can hope...
I hope that next time I come out here, I don't have to leave.
Bethany
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Hola from Panama!!!
Hello everyone!
Just wanted to drop a quick line saying hello! We just returned from the San Blas Islands (Kuna Yala), where each of our teams was on a different island. My team was on an island of almost 400 people called Soledad Mandinga, where we did VBS, English classes, worship gatherings, a baptism service-oh, and we planted a church. :) We did have a few mishaps, like one person falling out of their hammock which necessitated a clinic visit (guess who got to take them? ;), and the boat ride to the islands was an experience I´m not keen to repeat, but-all for the glory of God! We´re here in Panama City to rest up for a few days and then we are going to the jungle for another week or so! God is doing amazing things here in Panama, and I am excited to see what will come in the jungle!
In Him,
Bethany
Just wanted to drop a quick line saying hello! We just returned from the San Blas Islands (Kuna Yala), where each of our teams was on a different island. My team was on an island of almost 400 people called Soledad Mandinga, where we did VBS, English classes, worship gatherings, a baptism service-oh, and we planted a church. :) We did have a few mishaps, like one person falling out of their hammock which necessitated a clinic visit (guess who got to take them? ;), and the boat ride to the islands was an experience I´m not keen to repeat, but-all for the glory of God! We´re here in Panama City to rest up for a few days and then we are going to the jungle for another week or so! God is doing amazing things here in Panama, and I am excited to see what will come in the jungle!
In Him,
Bethany
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I will be in Panama in less than 24 hours.
And my prayer is this: God, may we not leave Panama unchanged.
Amen. Amen, amen, amen.
Bethany
Amen. Amen, amen, amen.
Bethany
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Garden Valley/Panama!!!
I am sitting in the SAC on a borrowed laptop utilizing the wireless internet service found on campus. Tomorrow I register for Panama and start my training! I'm very excited and a bit nervous as well because I want to do a good job as a country assistant. I will probably cry when our plane lands in Panama City because I LOOOOOVEEEE Panama SO MUCH!!! I am not excited about the bug bites I'm likely to incur but I am SO EXCITED to be back in Panama in just a few days! I am hoping for a ranchera burger (really really good) and a Kuna mola blouse and a mola with turtles on it.
As I prepare for this return to Panama, I am getting more and more excited about what the Lord is going to do this summer. I can still remember specific things that were said when I went five years ago that altered my life irrevocably, and I want the Lord to do that much and more in the lives of each person on this trip. It is a large project-over 100 people I believe-but I think the Lord has something amazing, incredible, and awesome in Panama this summer and I am SO EXCITED to be a part of it!!!
I've been volunteering the last week or so and having a blast doing so, but I am disappointed that I have not yet managed to procure a snow-cone. That will soon be changing, I assure you!
Please be in prayer for the Lord to move this summer, in the hearts and minds of both the nationals and the missionaries, and that all would experience the freedom bought for them by Christ on the Cross.
May the grace of our Lord be with you, now and always.
Bethany
As I prepare for this return to Panama, I am getting more and more excited about what the Lord is going to do this summer. I can still remember specific things that were said when I went five years ago that altered my life irrevocably, and I want the Lord to do that much and more in the lives of each person on this trip. It is a large project-over 100 people I believe-but I think the Lord has something amazing, incredible, and awesome in Panama this summer and I am SO EXCITED to be a part of it!!!
I've been volunteering the last week or so and having a blast doing so, but I am disappointed that I have not yet managed to procure a snow-cone. That will soon be changing, I assure you!
Please be in prayer for the Lord to move this summer, in the hearts and minds of both the nationals and the missionaries, and that all would experience the freedom bought for them by Christ on the Cross.
May the grace of our Lord be with you, now and always.
Bethany
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