adrift, but not alone

Adrift. That's how I feel right now. Not on a tempest-tossed sea but on calm, tranquil waters spreading so far I can't see the horizon. I'm graduating in four weeks [and two days]. What then? I don't know. But I have peace.

I applied for an internship at the direction of the Lord. I didn't get accepted. What now? Do I reapply for a later date? Do I apply for a nursing program? Do I apply for another internship program I've been wanting to do? Do I apply for a 1-2 year mission program?

I don't know.

I've come to the end of a chapter of my life, a chapter that has brought great sorrow and much joy, temptations and trials, success and failure, betrayal and trust. It's brought greater loneliness than I thought was possible. It's brought sweeter fellowship with the Lord than I've ever known. It's brought people into my life whose footprints shall remain on my heart when I am old and gray, and others who are but a vague memory. I've learned so much about myself, grown so much as a woman, and found strength within myself I did not know I possessed. The Lord has taught me about loving and living and walking with Him. Have I lived as fully for Him as I possibly could? Probably not.

In hindsight one can see things that were not even vague inclinations when they still lay ahead. I have done and said things I'd take back if I could. I have not always pursued the One I love as fully as I should or could have. I've stumbled. I've fallen. I can't change the past, but though my past will shape me, it does not have to define who I become. I am determined to learn what it means to live for Him with the full measure of my being, where every cell and pore and mitochondria declare the fullness and the glory of God. I feel I'm standing on the edge of a precipice, over which I cannot see the path that lays ahead, nor what's on the other side. But one thing I know. If I take this plunge, if I dive into discovering the fullness and depths of who He is; if I jump into this discovery of His very being, there will be no turning back.

Nearly four years ago, the Lord showed me a vision of what He desires to do in and through His Bride, the Church. And He asked me a question. I've been afraid of accepting the offer He extended me then, because of the radical extent of change and the incredible standard to which He would hold me. I'm afraid that I won't measure up, that I won't be enough. But, though He's been so incredibly patient with me as I consider His offer, I know that time is running out and soon His offer will be rescinded. And that would impact the calling He's placed on my life, and indeed, all eternity would be negatively affected. Because I was afraid. Can I live with that?

I don't think so.

So even though I'm scared silly by the thought of what this will mean and how it will resonate in every particle of my life, I am going to say yes. I refuse to allow fear to paralyze me into a life of mediocrity, so my answer is yes. I'm taking the plunge. I don't know what this looks like. I don't know how to do it. I don't know what this will mean for the rest. of. my. life. But by golly, I'm saying YES! There are lives that are waiting, and I am responsible for developing the gifts the Lord has given me, which He intended to be used to bring life and healing and justice to the world--to see His kingdom come, His will be done.

My answer is yes. Yes, Lord, though it cost me. Yes, Lord, though it hurts. Yes, Lord, for You are worthy. Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES! I do! I will follow You! I have counted the cost, and I am willing to give it all up, all to You, Lord. All my hopes, all my dreams, all my future. All to You. For You. are. worthy.

May the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering.

Selah.