anger.

This year has been rough. It's been a difficult year that followed a more difficult year that followed a year that wasn't easy by any means. I'm tired of rough years. I'm ready for a little peace, for people my age to stop dying, for less drama, for less money problems, for less loneliness. Even if it was just for a year or two, just so I could have a little break from all this "hardness." I mean, I get that life is hard, but does it have to be that way all the freakin' time? Cause that's what it feels like it's been for the last several years. Just hard, hard, hard, hard, hard.

Last year was rough because of the challenges of several succeedingly intense semesters of school in a row, compounded with intense grief over the sudden, preventable loss of a friend, and battling feelings of inadequacy when placed in an unfamiliar position of leadership. This year was rough in a much different way.

This year, the Lord asked me to pursue several things which did not come to pass, and I began to doubt my ability to hear His voice clearly. This year, I watched people proclaiming their Christianity both get offended and stab their fellow believers in the back--and gossip shamelessly about the whole thing. This year, I watched up close the hypocrisy of someone who professes Christ while systematically abusing their spouse--mentally, emotionally, and worst of all, spiritually. This individual also treated myself and others like incompetent, idiotic fools. All of this combined made me angry, and I distanced myself from my beloved Jesus. I was afraid of being mistaken, of thinking I was hearing His voice when it was really my own desires being super-imposed over it. So I pulled away.

The first two situations were frustrating and angering, but the third...I have watched this situation from afar for several years, but having it so close at hand made it much more difficult to deal with. Before, I could sort of push it aside since it wasn't right in my face, but now? Not happening. I have never struggled so much in my life. Most days, I could have gleefully throttled the abusive individual. I've never been able to tolerate hypocrisy, and seeing how this individual used the word of God to manipulate others and abuse the spouse--who is someone close to me--made me so mad I wanted to cuss!

More recently, though this couple is divorcing, the abuser--who is so deceived they don't even recognize the hypocrisy of their behavior--has waged a smear campaign against the spouse, and worse, has helped create a serious rift in life-long relationships, causing damage that may never be undone. Some days I genuinely hate this individual--which causes me great difficulty. How can I proclaim to be a lover of Christ if I cannot love even an enemy? How can I ask the Lord's forgiveness if I am unwilling to forgive?
I waffle frequently between heartbreak and hatred--heartbreak at the damage being done; hatred for the one who caused it; heartbreak that this individual believes they have a guarantee of heaven when their behavior indicates it to be dubious at best; hatred for the one who has deceived this individual so. Watching Christians turn their back on and severely castigate the abused spouse has made me want to smack some people with a two-by-four. Seriously? Way to represent Christ, people. Way to go. When non-Christians are acting more like Christ than the Church, something is wrong with this picture. And this--the behavior of these Christians--makes me mad too! Because they, of all people, should know better than to treat ANYONE like an outcast. Makes me want to cuss.

I'm not proud of my response to so many things this year. I've battled a lot of shame. Shame that I couldn't seem to hear God's voice; shame that I could claim to love and yet feel hate for an individual; shame that I couldn't act more like Christ towards this person; shame that I could feel so intensely alone and uncared for, even when I know I'm loved. I've struggled not to step on over into self-condemnation. It has, frankly, been a pretty horrendous year overall.


I haven't written much because frankly, I didn't have much to say that wasn't pretty ugly or depressing or whatever. I don't like to burden others with my problems, and I didn't want to provide more fodder for the gossip mill, but the silence has become suffocating, and I won't keep quiet anymore. Said abusive individual needs to be outed for for the farce they are, and I need an outlet for my anger before I can begin to forgive. And I think it all boils down to needing to forgive Christians for treating other believers so awfully. And I have forgiven, and I will forgive, but it still makes me angry whenever I think about it, and then I have to forgive again. And I need to be able to lay my broken, hurting heart at the feet of Jesus, and let Him make me whole again.

So that's where I am right now. The end of 2010 finds me having battled anger, bitterness, hatred, frustration, loneliness, and shame on a level I never have before. With the coming of 2011, I hope to be moving past that--because I have to let go of that stuff to make room for new things. Out with the old, in with the new!

Jesus, help me let go of the anger, the hatred, the bitterness. I want to forgive this person but every time I do, they do something new and it happens all over again! I want this person revealed for who they truly are, and for the Christians to realize and be ashamed of their behavior in supporting this person's chicanery. I want to forgive them for the part they've played. Help me not to take things in my own hands, and help me to see this individual as You do. I don't think I'm quite ready yet to love them as You love. But someday, maybe.

<3 love, Beth.